I wonder..

So... Many days I have found myself feeling as though I am walking in the same path as my husbands late wife Denise. It is in my everyday life mostly that I am referring to. It's a strange position that I never imagined being in. 

It first happened one day at home alone while I was cleaning. Then again when I was showering while home alone. I have to admit I had never thought much about living where she had lived. Cooking meals, cleaning and sleeping in the same place and imagining how she did things kind of consumed me for a couple weeks. 

Sometimes even taking Traci to school or sporting events and choir I wonder if she was better at it than I am.  I wonder... Did she love Traci a lot more than I do because she was her own? Am I doing good? Would she be proud or not?

A couple of times joe and I were in Walmart where Denise worked for over 10 years and an old coworker of hers would give us the questionable look. Like the day in the photo lab when I said my last name and the counter woman that developed our wedding pictures looked at Joe and I and asked how long we had been married.  As we walked away he told me she had been Denise's friend. 

So last week as I walked into Walmart for my first day on a new job it hit me! Now I will drive the same path and work in the same location Denise did. I thought about her on the way to work and home from work. 

It's not an earie feeling or anything. It's more . . Like I find myself putting on her shoes and living in moments as she did. I wonder what she thought about on the way to work. I wonder if she was as excited as I am to see Traci sing in school concerts or play ball. 

I wonder was she happy? Did she think about Joe like I do. Did she love him so much she would knock someone in the head if she had to? I wonder if we would have been friends? I hope she's in heaven smiling :-) I hope she knows I will do my best to love and honor Traci and Joe. 

I wonder..

The spirit

The Christmas spirit. It comes to me easily every year. I suppose it's the one time in the year that I try to forget anything negative and be thankful for the gifts of life I have received throughout the year. God helps me through in many ways all year each year so I have take this opportunity to give back what I can. Make someone smile or share my positive thoughts and hope it helps someone else. The SPIRIT of Christmas is truly in spirit. 

June 5, 2011 God answered

Ya know it's so weird to think that I am 43 and I have no real career, no children, no husband, no home (RV does not count as a home), no cause I run around the world fighting for, no money, no big dreams of having any either. Oh and I have no ass! I lost it in a poker game lol. No really. A car accident did a number on me.
Yet I'm fairly content. I don't want anything i don't have. Accept maybe a little more happiness. A daily dose of utter joy would be good. Yet I don't really know what would make me Happier other than more love and family in my life.
I miss my cousins, family Christmas's, sleep overs with girlfriends and roller skating.
This older man at work the other day said "ya know what the worse part of getting old is?.....getting old!"
I think the bottom line for me Is I don't want to grow old alone. That's my fear. I used to fear dying of a violent death. Now I fear dying old and lonely.
God will see to it that I am where I should be. I trust him.

I found this in my phone journal....

Cabin fever

The weather has us all hunkered down. I'm about to go out of mind. Too many women in one house. It's ok. But cabin fever has got me. I can't just sit for DAYS and watch stupid movies like these lazy young girls.

I've showered today unlike yesterday. I'm dressed and have my face on. I gotta do something. A cocktail sounds good! Andddd it is a friends birthday! Hmm sounds like it could be a plan. If this tv in this house gets ANY louder I may scream!!!!

God I miss my husband.

We are all we have

I've always believed that something good always comes from something "not so good". On Sunday at an absolutely beautifully given funeral service for a family member of my husbands (new to me as I am still newly wed) I was first of all in awe of the church itself. Then listening to the stories with great respect for the family I found myself trying to remember the last funeral my family had been to. All the while keeping in mind that my husband and his family have seen to many in the last several years. I felt an overwhelming feeling that my turn is coming to feel the pain they have. Not because anyone is old or sick just because my family has been spared lately it seems.

But the thing that got to me the most was the message that was spoken there. I can't repeat it word for word. What it said to me was this, actually the service and all the events that unfolded there along with the message sent me out with this....

Life truly is short. Shorter everyday. Forgive. Forget. Move on from turmoil. Help others but be sure to take care of your own first. For I will give everything and have nothing for my own needs and in the past no one there to lean on. Watch your words you can't take them back. I want to laugh everyday not waste time gossiping about others short comings.
Love NOW! And show it to your people hug your kids and mothers and husbands. Death is part of life so LIVE it! Brush the chip off your shoulder for it will weigh you down. Let the marks you leave on this earth be remembered with a smile not a frown. We are all WE have.

Coffee

Ya know what I really miss? May sound silly .. coffee with my girlfriends. Usually we met up at one of our houses. It depended on who had the best coffee and creamer at the time. Or who's house wasn't dirty lol. Or who got up earlier and went to wake the other.
Then there was also afternoon coffees that consisted of just getting together ( usually McDonalds ) and having cookies too.
I miss my ... 3 best friends.. real friends in the whole world! But really I miss the coffee with them. I love coffee with my husband too! But today I am missing my girls.

I don't like em

Fuck mean people. People that just want to see other people squirm.

Married life

Married feels good. It always will with Joe. I know that I know. Its because I have found the right man. How do I know? Because he loves me! How do I know that? Because he shows it in everyway. And he doesn't try to. The best thing is that I feel the same way! I'm happy and safe..my heart is open now ;-) I'm not in fear. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life.

The search is over

So tomorrow shall be the big day. I'm getting married! I'm so happy that I have found Joe in this lifetime. I used to dream of finding the ONE. The one that truly loves me and puts everything else aside for me. I just can't believe it. I thought I might go on about this but that all there is to it. I can't believe I found HIM. Tears...now..just a few. Thank you God for seeing fit to give me what I have been praying for.

Happily ever after

Seems like a dream sometimes. When I picture Joe's face I smile inside and yearn to hug him. I don't think I've ever felt that. Its a  warm feeling in my heart I get when I think about how much safer I will feel when he's home from a week of working out of town.

I know were getting married pretty fast, but for me there is no need in waiting. I know he's exactly what I want. Forever. My bff says wait..." if you really love each other now you will a year from now too". To that I say " and if we didn't we won't in a year either" . Makes sense to me!

Joe gives me all these things I've always wanted from a man and never found. He genuinely cares about me and my well being. He expresses his love with words, affection, sincerity and support. He tells me I'm beautiful.  He's emotionally available and truly means it when he hugs me, looks at me and asks " are you ok"?
He's easy to love and hard, very hard to be apart from. He wants to spend his time with me. He would rather be home with us than anywhere. He works hard and I appreciate him in so many ways!!

Our differences are few and he  certainly has no qualities that are a deal breaker. I hope he can see past my imperfections and character defects. I actually think we compliment each other. He brings out things in me that I need to have more of like confidence and assertiveness. I think in him I help bring out more sensitivity and compassion. This is how a relationship is suppose to work. He's a good communicator and helps me to feel comfortable enough to open up and trust enough to say how I feel and not to feel guilty for my feelings...I'm entitled to them. :-) I really like that. 

Overall I love him for the person he is and I can't wait to be his wife. He tells me all the time he loves me and will never stop. He will take care of me. When I'm with him I don't care about anything else. I sleep better.

I could go on... but I'll end with this, Joe all you have to do is love me the way you do right now and I will never leave your side. Treat me always the way you do right now and I will love you for the rest of our lives more than either one of us thought possible. We WILL live happily ever after.

It was only he

Thank you God for putting this man in my life! Today was a bad day and it was only he that made it better and pull me out of it. It was only he that showed me he has what it takes and will stand by me.

I cried today from sadness...I cried again when he showed me how much he loves me and that WE will stand together. I am not alone :-)

Whole

A sweet little cafe, a latte, my writing utensil (my finger) and being this happy today in my soul sends me into holiday dreams. It must be the cold weather and the latte that have Christmas trees and turkeys dancing in my head.

I am hoping for a wonderful holiday season full of family gatherings and love. I LOVE to decorate and the fall smell of candles simmering around the house. The glow of the flames and the lights is a must.

Relief... I have it. Its like I can breath and be ok without worry. And that's a pretty big deal I've been worried and full of fear my whole life. Thank you God for showing me its ok to trust again. It has made my life feel whole again. Or should I say ..the hole inside me is going away ;-}

Destiny's child

I went to an event tonight that made me cry, laugh, ponder my beliefs, feel compassion, sing and clap, cry again but most of all it showed me that I really am right where I am suppose to be.

Right here in this small Texas town with this wonderful man who has loved me (and I him) for a thousand years and in his daughters life. In fact I can't decide if she's suppose to be here for me, or I for her. Maybe both. Maybe all three! We all need each other.

It has all happened with tragedy. But never the less here we all are together. And I can't leave out his mother... she very much fits in the same picture. And has had her own sorrows. I find that she too is part of my BIG picture. She came to me just the other day with open arms to console me and SHE was just who I needed as I had been feeling less than worthy of her compassion lately.

Joe and I both feel we were destined for one another. But tonight sitting in the grass watching his daughter console a young girl, I realized how much I care for her and it hit me... and I said to myself....this...SHE...is part of my work her on this earth. To be here for her, love her and guide her. Let her lean on me. That's when I thought..maybe were suppose to be here for each other..?

I told her tonight after we got home about all these thoughts. I cried a little. I don't want to scare her away. I just love her so much. In fact I can't believe how easily my love has grown for her. She said I don't really even know her. But I want to.... That's Traci below with her arm around her friend who was crying.

Peace of mind

I love hearing the water trickling and the birds from afar. The morning cool air soothes my inner soul. My thoughts are all I have. And when I have this peaceful time in the morning I yearn for more time like this. I realize how important to my well being that it is. I get a sense that God is with me and I want to keep feeling this way...but...off to reality I must go. Where the crazy people are that want nothing more than to make everyone as miserable as they.

I love you

I love you Joe.

I can breathe

In a few days I will be legally divorced. In a few months I will be legally remarried.. when I say it like that or think about it like that it makes me question myself and my abilities in the decision making department. Then I remember why!

I'm divorcing because I was married to a real son of a bitch ass! And I'm marrying because I have found the man I have dreamed about my whole life! Oh ya...Joe makes me happier than I have ever been. He is who and what I have always wanted. I'm smiling right now just thinking about all the great things I could say about him. But the best thing really...he loves me back and treats me accordingly...he takes care of me in everyway. He's honest, dependable, sincere, loving, attentive, hard working and ... sexy!

The thought of being with him for the rest of my life makes me feel like I can rest and breathe.

I love you Joe.

It is because of You

My bff called this morning. She's struggling and has been for years..well her whole life. She and her trials always puts me in perspective with my own life.

Grateful is what I need to be everyday. I have everything that she doesn't. By that I don't mean fancy cars and diamond rings! I mean a loving family, stability, a great fiance, a wonderful step daughter, a pretty good job and I don't struggle daily with demons.

Happiness does come from within my soul. As long as I'm settled with myself and in a healthy environment I'm doing great and I need to be thankful to God everyday! I don't sweat the small stuff and just smile because I have come a long way.

Thank you God for seeing fit to put me in a good place in this life and for being with me through it all. I know that you listened each time I fell to my knees. I know that it is because of you that I am whole and alive!

Life is like a box of..

I've spent my whole life wondering what my future holds for me. I don't want to anymore ... tomorrow will be what tomorrow will be. Nothing will ever be perfect or even close. I think its time to just let it be. Be happy everyday as my Dad always says.

Life really is like a box of hamburger helper.... add some extra fun  stuff or its crap!

He spoke with his eyes

I heard the words he said last night. He expressed his love. He gave his heart to me as he spoke sincere words of his loyalty and with his eyes I heard him.  When he spoke the sincerity came through in his eyes. Had they been closed I may not have heard or believed a word he said. It was his eyes. He never took them off of mine. The truth could not be hidden for his eyes were on mine and he spoke the truth.

I felt at ease after I saw and heard him say he would never leave me. Never be unfaithful. Never hurt me. And that he loves me and only me forever and unconditionally.
I won't say I didn't believe his words before...but somehow I knew in my soul I could trust. Finally the weight came off my shoulders and I could smile and breath again.

I've never felt more love in my life. He completes me like no other ever could. The love we share is something like I have never felt. Being close to him makes me feel whole. * One flesh~ "it ought to be difficult if not impossible to be separated from One another".

God made us for each other. I believe that with all I have.

Breaking the cycle

I think I've made so many bad decisions in my life...and sometimes making decisions is so over whelming for me that I find it better to just PICK something so that I can move on with my day ( obsessing ) now I don't know when to trust my decisions. Its nothing... just me being OCD.

I found myself today questioning myself. Not because anything happened that I should... after realizing what I was doing and thinking about it I realized its because so much of the last few years have been... things going good then BAM ....over and over and over. Its like a cycle and I expect its about time for shit to go to hell. Not saying it will. In fact I'm almost certain it won't. But because of the "cycle" I find myself on guard, anxiety ridden and it effects people around me. Just another thing I have to be aware of and make sure I don't react to these feelings.

Everything has been working itself out...by that I mean MY messed up way of thinking.... I know the way I have been programmed is wrong. Reconditioning is the process. It will all be gone over time.

Thank you God for helping me recognize the cycle and break it. Thank you Joe for you patience, support, understand and unconditional love.  :-)

Jump in...

The only way to know if I'm making the right decision is to make A decision and see how it turns out. I can then alter things to suit my needs. Jump in and go from there so to speak. So I shall...

Failure is possible. So is success.  Its real necessary for me to have my priorities in line. For my self worth and confidence its a must that I work hard and give 100%. Now is the time to give my efforts and see what I can make of it. Its important for me to have a role and routine in my daily life. 

So here I go. I'm excited and nervous which I have to remember is normal. I really hope this works out good. I need it too...

Thank you God

As he drove off for work this morning I sat in the morning darkness sipped my coffee and thought ... what will my conversation to his mother be like this morning ?

He spoke with her yesterday about us getting married pretty soon. It made me feel overwhelmed. Not the wedding, the thought of what to say to his mother. Right away tears fell from my eyes. Then I thanked God for bringing Joe to me. I must have said thank you five times outloud.

Somehow it helped. I needed to truly thank him. I would go through everything again if that's what it took to get me here to my love. The one that loves me. The one that makes me smile everyday and never makes me cry.

Thank you again God. I will thank you everyday for the rest of my life.

The backseat

I know my boyfriend is going to read this.

I am in the backseat as he drives this sexy ass camaro. I've wanted to grab him up all day, but at a family reunion its not a good idea. He doesn't know it... that I've had this urge most of the day. I just play it cool. As he says little things about the happenings of this event I just smile and nod. Really I wish he would touch me or grab me. I know he can't. But that's what's been on my mind all day.

Little yellow pill

What to say... I think I need a hormone pill. Not in general or daily just at this moment. Every once in awhile I just think I could stabilize my mood and anxiety with one or those little yellow pills.

Then again I guess a beer does the same thing.

I guess I didn't really have much to say. A good day has been had.

I am certain

Well.. I haven't read much more in the premarital book. Maybe I read what I needed to be reminded. That it is a sacred union not to be toyed with unless one is fully committed to the future spouse. Forgiveness ... even when its small, forgive little arguments and move on. Don't stay mad. Resentment is the root of evil. I don't want those in my life. I lived with those on a regular basis its toxic.

For me... I just need to know that I know that I KNOW I can trust him, he loves me UNCONDITIONALLY, he will provide, never be abusive and that he is faithful and loyal TO ME. I in return have to know I will be all of that for him.

That being said, I am certain I will be happy with Joe for the rest of our days. It makes me smile ;-)

One flesh

So I stumbled on to my book "before we say I do" which I must not have read before ;-) I found a feeling of importance inside me to thumb through and see if that book matches the thoughts in my head. If we could honestly answer these questions and know we ARE in fact compatible and have the same ideas as to what our image of a sacred marriage is. Do WE have what it takes together? Do we feel strongly that we can always over come issues and stick together NO MATTER WHAT!

It talks about "one flesh". Oh I like this part! I've known about this (I did read this book before its just hard to admit)  I have always thought this is how marriage should be...."when two people become one flesh it ought to be difficult if not impossible for them to be seperated from one another".
Another quote..." when two people become one flesh no third party can intrude into that relationship".
It also says that one flesh is not only physical but takes place in moments of intimacy. I really like this chapter it applies to MY personal beliefs and feelings on marriage.

It talks about how important it is that your beliefs in faith be the same, and I do think that it is important to not be too far from one another on this. BUT.. this book came from a church so... I move on the other topics.

Do we agree on important topics about life... abortion, world peace, contributing to charities, and of course going to church. Have we talked about finances,drug addiction, family and of course church.

I'm still reading.....to be continued.

Smith boys

All it takes for me to remember what's important in life... a visit to see my Smith boys! I never knew I could love someone so much. They remind me that love, affection and smiles are what builds us from an early age. And they are so easy to love!

I could never imagine life with them before they came and now I could never imagine life without them. Thank you boys. I love you.
Crazy Aunt Cheryl

My team

The future... that's my focus. The past has drug me down enough. Some things are starting to transpire in the way of showing me its ok now to look at it all in my rear view mirror. It really is going to be over and man .... it feels great. Its in my sights now.. no stopping me.

The next chapter is already in progress and making progress. I'm feeling more comfortable with myself and my life. Just have to keep trying to better myself and keep in mind I am not alone. I am in a relationship that is also..a partnership. We are a team.
I've never had that before and I really like it. I'm used to being the only one on my team. I love you Joe.

I get alittle stronger

The Dr. Phil program is starting out todays show with a wife who is being verbally abused and physical too. Brings back major memories!

The asshole husband says a woman's duty is to clean and have sex. I wanna kill this guy!

She is crying because she doesn't want him to leave. I wanna kill her too... not really, but geez! Oh but wait a minute... that's me! Well it was. As I watch this program I see how ridiculous my family must have thought I was. They must have wanted to scream!

I'm really sorry I sorta ... talked them into trying to be understanding each time that sick bastard lured me back in. I thank them..but I also apologize to them for it. So momma if ur still following this. I'm so sorry you had to watch me go through that.

But hey!! Thank God that's over. Everyday it feels alittle more, behind me. I get alittle stronger.

Be gentle with yourself

I can't go back to sleep after my true love has left for work this morning. It almost always is like this. I've been trying to sleep for about an hour. So I finally give in pick up my phone, write and delete about three text messages to him. I know he is driving so I do not want to get him too distracted at this hour on the road. Besides if I sent a text to him everytime he was on my mind neither one of us would ever get anything else done.

My plan today is to think positive ALL day. Nothing more...oh and as a good friend would say..." be gentle with yourself Cheryl ".

Night thoughts

So much going through my head tonight. Moving on... God what a concept. Ya know I've looked my whole life for someone to live, love and die with. My whole life !!! Truly all I ever wanted. I think after it came to be that I can't have children I started looking for that person that would accept me as I am. Someone to give my abundant amount of love to. I have stored it. My real love. Oh I tried to give it away and I did without the return I was searching for.

So here and now after all these years I find him. I'm going to say  that again...I found him. The one that loves back unconditionally. The one that cares how I feel and tells me with his eyes, heart and actions all I've ever wanted to hear and feel...love, real love. I don't ever doubt him. He means everything he says. I want to make him happy and it doesn't take much.

On top of all that...guess what..he he's kids. So I do too!! I love them. Its a blessing. I believe I have waited all these years for this moment! And I always believed that..but now I can't deny that God has a plan for each one of us. My plan has brought me here .. home.

Can't sleep

Yes I know you read my blog everyday. I'm glad! Lets me know I'm important to you. And the question now is...Do I let you know how important you are to me?

I want to say real quick...thank you for putting my mind at ease with the things I was stressing over. And thank you for helping me trust and believe again. I only do because of you, your love and because of your gentle reassuring words.

You are a great man. I'm blessed to have found you again in this life. I shall never let you go.

Dear Traci~

As a sweet young lady with her father go to receive her mothers grave stone it hits me....they have lost a mother and a wife, someone they love more than I am sure they can describe. It sits hard with me as they pull out of the driveway...I didn't know Denise but I feel as though I  may tear. For the days I have spent with this young lady have been enlightening and close to my heart. Everyday I love her more and she probably doesn't even know it. So now I feel this enormous amount of pain in my heart for her, and for her father. How this little girl keeps it together I don't know. She rarely talks about her mother.  I pray that she is dealing with it on her own terms and not suppressing a tremendous amount of pain that she will later have to unravel again and feel this all over. I feel the need to be her keeper, her friend and her stand in for these next few years I know will be challenging in many ways.

I need to tell her. I think she should know that I am here for her. The only reason I haven't expressed it yet in words is that I don't want her to feel any pressure. She doesn't need anymore pressure or pain or confusion in her life. She just needs to know I am here for her. I think she may be ready to hear that from me, I am ready to share that with her.

"When the student is ready the teacher will appear"
   Buddha

Pickles

When I was a child I ignored old people when they spoke to me. I thought it was all jibberish. That nothing they had to ramble on about really concerned me...it wasn't important. 

I've regretted that decision more than once. I wish I had listened when my Granny spoke and my Nanny too. Oh I did sometimes but I have a feeling now that some of those stories I thought boring and unimportant could be if nothing else great memories of thier lives.

So today I listened to a lovely woman tell of her childhood memories of canning foods.  Which is something! It made me realize I've NEVER canned, probably never would have. But... come on, that's what women used to do!

So many family values, customs and stories have been lost along the way. Makes me want to sit and talk to my mother, and can pickles or something !

Thanks Jan...and when I say "old" I really mean aged to perfection.

Sunday

Sunday has always been my favorite day of the week. So I sit after sipping coffee, smoking cigs and watching my Sunday Morning program which is my favorite thing to do on Sunday morning and I wonder what will I write about today. Thoughts are hard to get down in writing sometimes especially when I have so many. Many things come to mind to write about. The task seems so difficult today that it may be easier to keep them in my head. In fact I think I need more caffeine and smokes to get my thoughts straight, but then...that could make it worse. Maybe I should just try to get it out of my head and see what happens.

My Best friend for many years is more than likely not going to live much longer, cancer.
I miss my mother. My sisters Birthday is tomorrow and I could care less because I am angry at her. I miss my Smith boys. I really need a job. I don't like to ask for help and I need it. I don't know why I have such a hard time with this...but I do. It makes me feel very insecure and at the mercy of others.
I  am in love with a man I can't seem to be with enough...(I'm well aware someone has to work around here). Makes me feel even worse. I need to get those damn papers filed! I have a civil lawsuit against me and every time I think about the financial position that jerk put me in I wan't to scream.

But hey! I'm with a man I am crazy about and sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has a great family that seems to be accepting of me. My health is pretty good. My family loves me. I'm grateful to God my father is ok even though he is not really. My serenity level is up higher than it has been in quite  a few years. I smile every night before I fall asleep. I woke up singing a song everyday. So.... I'm good really. Just takes alittle while to realize it some days.
Have a great day I am going to even if it takes trying really hard to find something to occupy myself.

Music! I need music! :~)

I think I'm in love

The best part of today....well that hasn't happened yet. Your not home yet. But, today has been pretty grand I will say. Hanging out with a teenage girl, going to the mall and having lunch. It brings back memories of myself and reminds me how hard life seemed back then. I mean it was hard but in ways that adults never get. It's an emotional time in life especially for a girl. A time when a young lady needs support, encouragement, guidance and most of all I THINK...approval. She needs to know that she is the best in someones eyes. She is the MOST important thing in someones world. She is the prettiest and the ONLY one that matters to at least someone. And when she rambles on about girl things, she just wants someone to listen.

That's what I did today, hung out with an amazing teenage girl that I am completely falling in love with. She's learning to drive in my car and that's just good bonding. We bond in different ways everyday. I hope that she knows I don't just want her to believe she is the BEST, MOST important and beautiful girl...but that she truly is!! I wasn't sure how well I would do with my "step-daughter" (ok well not legally). But I find that if I just be myself and try to keep it real and listen to the crazy music that I love because I love it (not because I know she does) it seems to come easily most of the time.

It's a difficult time to be a young teenager. So if you know one or have one, just be supportive and point them in the right direction. Kiss em' and hug em'. They need us :~)

Gandhi

My Spirit

Today is a relax and get my brains and feelings together kind of day. I have support that assures me I can do that. I need to do that. I need be healthy in body and spirit. I feel as though my spirit had been broken and it is on the mend. Licking my wounds so to speak. It's important to my sanity to get back to feeling my spirit is free. I NEED to feel it again...

And I try not to concern myself with anything other than that, surrounding myself with goodness and positive feedback. I need to try harder to not let other things (negative) get in so easily. But when it involves my well being or someone I love...it just comes natural.

That's all today, just my quick thoughts :~)

A good day today :~)

Yesterday....not so good. Thought I might go into full blown panic mode. Today...breathe, ahhhh better. Everyday I have to wake up and say to myself. It's behind me, get up and go forward. Some days are just harder than others. But I am determined to not let all that mess consume me. It will come and go I am sure for awhile, but I have faith that if I just keep doing the next right thing it will be something I can look back on and be happy that I came out of it.

So..today will be good. I have people all around me that love me and I have to take little moments each day to remember that. I don't know why that's so difficult to accept.

It amazes me when I think about all the things my life has handed me, and I am still here standing up.

Happy Birthday Joe! Thank you for showing me the way out of hell and sharing with me your piece of heaven.

Let me be

It's something to think about. Everyone including myself say that women who are abused be it physical, mental or emotional should "get out". We ask "why does she stay with that guy?" And I don't know the answers...but I do know now the entrapment that I feel...felt. I am slowly understanding why I stayed and why I went back a million times as do other women. I won't say I didn't love him and that it  was all some sicko game he played to make me love him and then tear me apart. I think I genuinely DID love him. That was a long time ago...that fell off and what happened in the process was the controlling tactics he ever so sweetly put in place.

The only reason I am writing about this is because just yesterday I realized that without him even capable of getting to me I freaked. He has a phone number and an address. He's calling and soon he will be writing. Still...he can't get to me, but it puts me in panic mode because of the way I used to feel. I feel it all over again. He had so much control over me that I sense it, I smell it when he is near in any fashion. It puts me in the RUN mode. I'm not even sure I can explain how he controlled me and MADE me do the stupid things I did (give him another chance over and over again) That's another story on it's own...if I ever figure that out. But for now, I'm just realizing the real sense of urgency I get from knowing he is in anyway near me, be it physical or just the thought of it.

Note: I had to go back and change some of the words in the last paragraph to PAST tense! See that's a perfect example...I still feel scared to be anyway in touch with him. The sound of his voice and thought of his face makes me scream...NO ! NEVER AGAIN! I Never want to see or hear it again!

So I guess what I am trying to say is that ..I get it. I hate that I do and that anyone has to go through it. But I get it. I won't ever let that happen again. It just won't. It's changed me in a way that is.... well I am more suspicious, leery, nervous and just plain scared. And I hate that!! That part though is fading alot faster than the panic and anxiety from his after effects.

Please God just help him let go and leave me be.
Therapy...that's all this is, don't read too much into it.

Life

Im starting to feel like a human again. So much has been pulled from my soul that I wasn't sure I would come back from it. It's hard to explain. I lost myself for a while. I was beat up and left for dead. That's how it felt. And I gave up and gave in. I was empty. I know that had it not been for my family I wouldn't have made it out alive. I was at war. With an enemy I had never been up against. I didn't know first hand these destroyers existed. What a lesson to learn. So as many times as I have said I'd seen it all, now ....  I don't want to see anymore. 

The good news...it took all that to get me here. I am coming back to life. I sure am ready to be. Feels good to hear and feel positive things. IM ALIVE !! Thanks you know who you are.

Fireworks!

Its the first year of my life I don't see any I can only hear them.  Ok I just saw a few. In the country surrounded by trees I feel like Im shut off from the world, even on the 4th of July. It sounds like I imagine a war to sound. But somehow even though I can't see all the excitement, this evening always brings a little " proud to be an American" to my senses.

I have a different type of fireworks show going on anyway....it's in my heart. ;-)

No Comparison

I haven't replaced him, I wouldn't want another him. Some might call it that, but its not even close. It's called moving on and why should I wait ? The sooner I get on with my life the happier I will be.
I found someone, a friend to start, that makes me happy. Someone who is real and honest. Someone that truly cares about ME and the way that I feel. Someone that I find myself thinking about non stop and I yearn to be with for healthy reasons. You may be asking how i could know so soon. The answer is easy. I wasn't a bad judge of character before and I'm not now. I was willing to go through the crap before because i thought he was worth it. I knew... it was bad and that I was getting the short end of the stick. But I thought he loved me and was going to change.

See...I chose it. I don't choose it anymore. I choose someone that I don't feel like I have to fix. Someone that has shown me in just months what he could never.
I don't mean to compare the two, there is no comparison.
The way I feel today is the opposite of the way I felt for the last three years, and that is the goal.

Trust is a small word

The blog I wrote before was pretty clever, witty and full of more personal thoughts and events. I find that part of my writing is on hold for some reason.  Im thinking its in part due to my attempt at hiding my heart from the possible invaders that want to destroy what's left of it. Its an unhealthy feeling to have to hide.

See... what i wish i could really let go is the illusion that it was someone else that made me feel this way, because in reality I allowed someone to take advantage of me and my feelings. So..if i don't allow it any longer it won't happen. Instead of walking away because Im afraid it will, I need to be strong enough to stay and trust that it won't. I can always walk away if I feel it's going south. And someone pretty special is teaching me...it just might be worth it to trust. Im willing to try ;-)

People who need people are the luckiest people in the world

I have tendency to think of all the things I feel I have lost in this life. Mostly things like love, money, youth, materialistic things, time and people.When I focus on this too much I think it sets me up for more disappointment.  So what if I were to swing it the other way and think only of what I have and will gain. All these things that I have lost are gone. So....that's why we have that word ...GONE!


So love is attainable. As long as it's a healthy one! I have certainly gained knowledge in this area of my life, and that is...it takes more than following your heart. Love isn't only the way you feel about someone but the qualities you like in them or the things you have in common. Are you both wanting the same things out of life and each other?

Money comes and goes always will. Money makes things easier not happier. I think when we have too much money we forget what's really important PEOPLE. Yet when we don't have enough of it that's all we have and all that counts, our circle of people. Money is nice and I want some, but I  can survive without it as long as I have my people!

Youth comes and goes before you ever knew you had it, so I don't miss it much. I just wish I had enjoyed it more. And that's what I like to tell children especially young girls, stay a kid and enjoy it.

Materialistic things are just like George Carlin said.....it's "stuff". It's all just stuff and when we move we take our stuff. Then we buy bigger houses to put more stuff. We have offices and cars and garages full of STUFF! I don't want anymore stuff.

Time is precious this I believe. It's time to start enjoying everyday and every minute in it. Even if it means not caring what someone else thinks about what I'm doing with MY time. I find myself thinking about people that are in jail or sick and I know those folks wish they had more time or had enjoyed more of what they did have.

People...I don't want to take the people in my life for granted. I want to enjoy them and love them while we are all here. And most importantly I want to help them and show them that I love them. That they are my circle of people... add some love and that's all we really need. <3

Mom and the Smith boys

I feel good.... I knew that I would

My life has started over again. Just yesterday I realized that I hadn't had not one thought of my soon to be ex husband in several days, and I just couldn't believe it! I've been so consumed with him for so long that I thought I would never feel my freedom from his hold. It was truly to my surprise that he had not managed to squirm into my thoughts....for DAYS! Ah I think I can breathe easy.
   So of course once I realized that.. I ...thought of him and the first thing I thought was I want to get my divorce filed and erase that chapter from my life. On that same drive home from work I dreamt of burning our wedding pictures, saying a final farewell to all of that and to him. To the misery.
   And I know somewhere inside him he will once again have regrets. Big ones! But that is not my problem anymore, it's just not. I don't even want to reserve that small piece of love I could still keep for him. If I wanted to I could, and I used to do just that. It feels great that I DON"T WANT TO :~)

Just a thought at the end of my day

I think it's ok to follow your heart. Just don't follow it to hell.

"Me Marks"

Today I'm feeling a bit melancholy. Fires are burning up beautiful Colorado, specifically The Royal Gorge near Canon City, a place I have always loved. Good memories there with my mother, sisters, nieces and nephews. Then there was another great trip with my brother Wes. He came in from Texas it was the first time we had seen him in years. Colorado as a whole was and is a great state. I've always called it "Gods country". My roots come from Texas but my heart comes from Colorado. I had my first true love there, Got my first car there. It's a place that somehow although it is dear to my heart I don't know if I will venture back for anymore than  a visit. I will go where my heart takes me so who knows.

My cousin Tonna Kay & I

 I find myself though trying to stick close to my home state for my family and the love I have for them. I am old enough to realize that NOW is the time to show love to my people. NOW is the time to find some serenity and a life that I can be proud I took the time to live. I don't want to wake up at 80 and say "what the hell did I do"? I guess I have found an appreciation for my life and the ones that love me. Ahh, That felt good to say that.

My Nicaragua Kids

When I sit and ponder (and I do) what I have accomplished and what mark I may leave behind, I find that it will be pieces of me. There is not much else. The time I spend with friends and family. The late night conversations we have. The times when someone else may have learned from my lesson. The trips I have had around this world. The pics and postcards I have saved in a box. The songs I love to sing and the way I love with all I have. So I will continue to leave these "marks of me". I will sprinkle them around like glitter. In fact I think I'll call them" Me marks". I just imagine someday my nephews & nieces looking in my box,  finding my passport and my treasures from everywhere and saying....Wow Aunt Cheryl left her mark on lots of people and  in lots of places! Maybe that's a mark within itself, showing them that it's ok to go see the world and explore and know that it's a big ol' world and everyone needs someone so reach out.

And so it begins..

I am excited to start a new. A new blog, chapter and life. That's how it feels. Oh yes I've done this before. Somehow though it feels different. A good friend of mine says " Never look back always forward". I am going to take that advice and run with it (he says that too). I can run like the wind! (Gump) I forgot to add I also think I'm funny.. So get used to those silly little comments they won't go away.

So class I want to start today by talking about what it means to learn from our mistakes. What that means is that WE DON'T DO IT AGAIN! (note to self) I don't know if I'm hard headed, a gluten for punishment, co~dependent, insecure, insane (which some say means; doing the same thing over and over expecting different results) or just plain ol' naive, especially when it comes to love. I just figured if you never give up it should work out right? Wrong! It wasn't going to work no matter what I did and I shouldn't have ignore the indicators. The big red flags that I thought were so pretty when they popped up...Ohhh look another pretty flag (stold that from my BFF). 

Why the hell are some of so willing to let go of who we are and what we feel so strongly about all in the name of love? What the hell is that about? I mean .. I guess some guys probably do that. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it's mostly women that lose ourselves to men. Like in the book/movie "Eat Pray Love" when she talks about how we start looking like our mates the way owners look like their dogs. It's TRUE!! I forgot all about who I was and opened up my entire existence to a man and he took it! Haha what did I expect?

So back to the lesson. The only way that I know if I have learned it is if I don't let it happen again. I hope in this process I don't go to far in the other direction and find that I don't let anyone in, I sorta feel that coming on. Guarded is good right? 

And why is it when you have a terrible breakup it seems all the songs are tear jerkers, that's all that's on the radio or If your like me you think that's the only kind of songs that are being recorded anymore. Maybe I should change the station. Or just turn it off :~)

P.S. There will be ex~husband bashing.. It's part of my therapy.