Momma

I lost my Mom 12 days ago on February 10, 2021 to Covid. I cry every few hours just not many know it. 

I strive to be as good a Granny as she was. And mother and friend. 

I miss her so much everything hurts. My eyes. Head, throat, neck and heart. It's way worse than I could have imagined.

She loved me as much as I love her. 

Figure it out

I've loved one man greater than the others... figure it out.

Post op 5 months

It's been a long long haul. I am back to work... but I dont have my stamina back yet. By the end of the day my back is caving over abit but I just push..and push. It is feeling better. I am hoping though I will feel MUCH better before the end of the year.

The rest .. I love my grandbabies so much I cant hardly believe it! That's all for now.

Once again I have thoughts of writing more.

2018

This year has started out BIG. Many things going on. Little Mason Ray came to the world Dec 13th! He's so precious and although not planned we couldn't be more grateful or in love. Jacklyn is a wonderful mother too.

My back will soon need surgery.. again. I'm scared, impatient and ready to back out some days. The stress of everything is so much sometimes and I find myself feeling very alone and depressed. Maybe I'm wrong .. but I feel like I give everything and I am left standing in my own corner looking around and no one is there.

Cancer has crept it's ugly head up. For this I pray hard. For the help Jan needs to be available. For God to sooth her worry and see her through.

Joe works long hours everyday and I  appreciate him obviously more than he knows. Because he's angry and grumpy with just about his every word. I think I know he doesn't mean it.. but it makes cry all the same. I pray more... and sometimes I have to just go to sleep and hope it will be different tomorrow.

Whatever Gods plan is for us I hope it has more smiles and genuine laughter.  Because we all need that.  

I am the only one that knows me.. really

Well here we are.. Many things have Happened . Sometimes I smile and my heart feels so much happiness that I cant hardly breath. And then the tears have happened. Life is sometimes an emotional roller-coaster. There are days that I laugh and feel fabulous. Then it seems like one thing can bring it down. Not one thing in particular just ONE thing. But the thing I learning is that life goes on .. It just does and you can either go with it and settle down or you can fight it tooth and nail Which is what I have done a whole lot in my life. I full on have been diagnosed with Obsessive compulsive disorder, depression and anxiety disorder. The whole reason I went to the doctor/Psychologist   was to find out what I did have from a Professional stand point. After about 8 weeks of "talks and exercises" He finally diagnosed me with this. I was NOT surprised  I just needed to know I wasn't crazy and the way that I felt was legit. I did not take the meds very long they made me sleepy and poopy. And as bad as I wanted to feel better I was really already used to the way I felt. So it wasn't anything to me. However everyday I think about it and sometimes find myself telling me! that I have these issues. It helps me in my marriage and my daily life. I think I have had my own therapy going for years.

There are days.... I am sure I should be in a hospital full of drugs so that I don't have to live in reality for a minute at least. But then I remember OH I can and I will.... GET THROUGH THIS!  Whatever it may be. More than not just daily life. My own head and my own problems. Most of my stuff is NOT someone else. So I have figured it out and I look inward for comfort and reassurance. I have to~ I am the only one that know me.

Thank God for kids

Alan Jackson is singing this Christmas song "Thank God for kids". Sounds appropriate enough since its almost Christmas. Ive been thinking about writing lately but always lose what idea popped in my head that was writing worthy. So here I am again forced to come up with it... the thing that's worth reading about...

Ive had much thought lately about what my life will feel like as I grow older and who wont be here with me and how I will go on. And I think for me its knowing in my heart that I did what I could to do the right things after I finally grew up. To me that's probably all my parents ever wanted to see happen for me. I have known this for awhile. Ive been trying to accomplish it with my friends and family to tell them and show them I love them, I don't think I could go on if I felt I hadn't .. So in this regard Im good.

I know there are some people that just happened to be related that flatout will never get along or even be friends. We only have to be related it doesn't mean we have to like it. But all in all if its something or someone that you know you love! They need to know it and they wont unless you tell them. So I DO! Even sometimes when it feels awkward I say it.

Sometimes others needed to hear it and you didn't even know it. Ive had hugs like that given to me, haven't you? That hug that you really appreciate and smile and maybe cry. Ya so hug somebody!

Ive missed my friend Cheryl lately. Ive had her on my mind. It happens.Well... Those are my thoughts at this time. Goodnight

Milli's first Black eye of her whole life.. and she smiles. I love it!!

All my kids

Milliana Jo has inspired this post today. Im so grateful to have her in my life. Today she made me smile big, just like every other day. It made me think about all the "kids" that I am fortunate enough to have in my world. That I love and love me. I will miss a few here. Some I am not very close to anymore but they still hold my heart in their hands. You know who you are (if you ever see this). But I love them all. My cousins kids that I call me nieces and nephews and so on.

Pa And MJ

I testified as to the character of an acquaintance  in court last week. The attorney asked if I raised kids assuming I had I guess. He actually didn't ask he sort of assumed in his statement. My answer surprised me.. I said yes. So when he asked how many I had I felt like I had been caught in a lie and I said "none of my own". But I guess in small ways I have helped in little ways. Tim and Haley came and stayed with me in Colorado when they were kids. I used to be real close to Tonya's boys, wish I could see them more. Brian is all grown up and doesn't really come around any of us very much. So there are those that I miss. But many I am very close to. Brandy is more like a little sister than a niece. And of course The Smith boys light up my life! My step girls I adore and I don't like to say (step). It seems to lend the idea that its important to me to point that out. Its not at all. But they had a mother they loved so much and I will let them decide when they are comfortable with dropping the "step". They have brought love to my life like I could never imagine. They teach me more about myself everyday. And of course Milli is just well... THE BEST!



Milliana Jo

All you kids have a VERY VERY special place for me in my heart and more than that you all need to know that you make me feel like I didn't miss out on anything by not being able to bear my own children. Well with all that said.. Here are some fav pics !





 

 

My Nicaraguan kids

 

 

Illeana & Pedro My Godson

LUKE

Traci

My Jamesy Love to see him smile!!

Milli

Wesley

Jamesy & Wesley

Luke

Three Musketeer's! Great Visit

Cant leave this one out

I know I have more of these kiddos

My Fav pic of us! Brandy!!!! Love you

Luke as an ? Electrician?

Love to see Jamesy goofin off

Smarty pants here

The sweetest Milli Jo

LOL

Traci & Josh

Milli  & Auntie

Sweet Jacklyn with the love of her life Milli

Tim & Haley Love you kiddos

Wesley is growing up

She getting so big! Shes precious

Traci so purty

Just a swinging or rockin!

Jacklyn is such a good mommy!!

Those eyes!

 
 

The Only pregnancy Ive ever really felt a part of daily. Thank you for sharing that with me...... You were such a beautiful mom to be 

The Park

I find myself laying in bed about every night thinking about my past. I don't know why I can get lost in memories so much. I cant really say I have "many" regrets. But I think back to times Ive had or people I have known. Mostly in Colorado. I had a big life there and loads of friends and stories I could tell. Most are good.

Short visit 2014 Hoosier Pass

 Most of my friends there were from a little bar called the "Park Bar". It was an every day event for me. That is where I went for camaraderie  and support. It was like an episode of the show "Cheers". But the TV show never showed after happy hour! When the shots were flowing and the patrons were trying to play pool and dancing like no one was looking. Oh the stories we told there too!
I always liked it there when the snowstorms came through too. The bar had big picture windows all across the front and I loved to be inside with my friends toasting cheers and happy to have them. The wood stove was always fired up and anyone was free to throw another log on the fire. We talked  about how long the snow might last and drank a little more because I mean after all its a blizzard!!  What else are ya gonna do? Then occasionally we would watch people drive off and spin around trying to get on down the road.

Breckenridge

Over the 20 plus years I was there the bar had a few different owners. They were like family. Linda and I went shopping one year for decorations for my birthday party. And on New years for 1999 I was the DJ and played Prince's song "tonight were gonna party like its 1999! A two man band played there a lot "Fauth & Curry". That was Brad Curry and Tim Fauth. They were all our friends. We had Brian Black one year (Clint's brother). I sang many a song at that bar with bands from all over. Brian Black is my most memorable. He got on stage out back and said "now who is this local girl I keep hearing about that sings up a storm"! Well that was me of course! So I got up there in my Saturday golf attire and sang that crap outta some Patsy Cline. Oh those were the days. Thought I would surely be discovered some day. But I wasn't...

Mom and Buddy's place up Mosquito Gulch

I was single back then. Never really found anyone that could keep up with me. I had a lot of friends though. Male and female and sometimes I wonder where they all are. I imagine most are still there. And I am pretty sure if I went back I would see some at "The park" in the same bar stool, telling the same story. Some have left this earth sadly....Cheers to you all, The long the tall and the small as Raymond would say.

Happy anniversary

It's been up and down... not my marriage, just my own battles with myself. After a few months of feeling kind of down I've made a decision to let go again. Give it all to God. I really felt great a few yrs ago when I lived a daily life of "doing the next right thing". It's hard to believe that I ever lived such a serene life now. But I'm in search of that feeling again. To treat people better and embrace my own decisions since that's really all I have control of.

I love my family so much! And of course my wonderful husband Joe! Hoping for many yrs to come together and us both growing together and finding what's most important in our lives.

Been thinking about writing for awhile and I've HAD good ideas on topics. However today if I could tear this blog up like a piece of paper in shreds I would.

I'm depressed. I feel useless and hopeless. I wish I didn't have to see or talk to anyone for days. I feel like I need a hug NOT to be lashed out at.

Sometimes I give up... today I do. In bed where I just want to live. I don't want to have to explain anymore... it doesn't help.

If your reading this.. that's fine. This is where I vent. I don't need a response from anyone.

Skipping stones

Life is ever changing..evolving like it or not. Traci has left home, Jacklyn has come home. She's having a baby girl soon and it's definitely exciting. I'm nervous for me and happy for her. I don't know what will be expected of me and what I'm willing or capable of doing for her. So I just trust it will be fine. That's what I do when I don't know what to do.

Jan has to have surgery on her anurism in her brain and we are all scared for her.

I've lost my Aunt Shirley and skipped stones for Gary in lake Whitney and cried with Lisa Kay. It felt good to tell her I love her.

Mom and Buddy both have had medical issues but doing ok.

We've been to see Dad and I pray he makes it out of there alive.

The boys are growing fast and I don't want to miss a thing. But I do.

Joe and I are happy daily. But I think we both are struggling to deal with Traci being gone.

The Lewis Family reunion was fun. I hope Joe knows how lucky he is to have so much family that strives yearly to stay connected.

Sometimes I feel inadequate when they talk about how wonderful Denise was.
She is in heaven I know smiling down. And Jack too.

Cheryl Davis

The best and longest friendship I ever had.

Spread the Love

Im feeling old today and lately. When my body hurts and I get real tired I start thinking oh crap...here it comes already, signs of the last half of my life. Its weird and I am known for thinking worst case scenario. But in this case I feel like its not that far off from the truth or a possible reality. Im not saying Im scared. Im just wanting to be sure I don't leave this world without a good mark on it. I want people to have great things to say about me and of course just like everyone else I am sure to not be "forgotten". I don't want to be famous or rich. I just want to help people even if all I can do are the smallest of gestures. I am lately feeling like I don't do that anymore.

I used to take the time to go and see people/family, see how they are and offer encouragement and love. I guess because its all I can really offer, its important to me. it makes me feels better to literally spread the love. That's it! That's what I used to do and want to do.....

There is no better feeling to me than just talking with someone who is sad or having a bad time and encourage them to carry  on, to take one step at a time. Give them ideas on how to make there situation better. ( I should spend so much time on my own life) lol

Anyway.. I miss that. Gonna start doing that.

Luke one of the loves of my life <3

Spreading the love

Many things have happened lately. It seems we just buried my cousin Gary. My Aunt Shirley went shortly before. I've been feeling the heartbreak for Gary's siblings. It makes me think of the day coming that I will lose my brother. And of course I will also lose other family members that will be very hard for me to handle. I'm emotionally weak when it comes to these sorts of life struggles. I've suffered much in my life but most of my hurt has been self inflicted or from lost love. Not so much from loss of life. I've had some.  But it's not been anything I couldn't handle. I dread the day. Badly 

However we've also had some really good things happening. Little Wesley is going to compete in a state championship event. Also tracy is going to the regional event for powerlifting tomorrow. We're so damn excited for both of these wonderful happenings that it's hard to believe we've just suffered some great loss.

I live in my head a lot alone with my thoughts. Expressing myself was something I finally learned as an adult.  But now I try to keep it in. Just seems like the thing to do. Unless of course I'm with my mother.

I wonder much about life and the end result. MY end result. What will I leave behind, who will remember me and for how long? Then I have ask myself..what's important to me? 

Being a positive influence on people, youngsters in particular. Little things to me are important too. Like not talking about adult topics in front of youngsters. Its not necessary for them to hear about money problems or drugs, gossip or drama. If I can help a teenager or child feel better about themselves and strive to do well I'm happy.  To help them see that they are important, valuable and loved. It's hard to say what if anything people take from our gestures to help.  But I feel like I have to do my part to add to there life in a positive way.  It's weird... since I haven't given birth, that I strongly feel the need to smile, encourage and love so many.  It's like it's MY JOB! Oh it feels good and I enjoy it but it's kind of odd too.

I guess I'm so full of kindness and love in my heart I want to spread it.  I want it to be contagious! And THAT is what's important to me 

Gary

Gary Parker, my cousin was a good man. And I know a lot of people just say that. But he really was. He had this softness about him you could see in his eyes and hear in his voice. You could just tell he genuinely cared and wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. Oh he had his rough patches throughout his life he spent some years dancing with the devil (most of us have) but Im so happy that he got on track and enjoyed his family in his short life.

I found myself today wondering if he would have done anything different and my bet is he wouldn't. I hadn't seen him much over the last few years. I spoke to him when he was in the hospital with intestinal problems. I spoke to him about Aunt Shirley when she was very ill and before she passed on. But I hadn't really got to just visit with him and I do really regret that. I feel like I should have tried harder to see him when he was in town and I didn't! It does bother me. I did the same thing with my friend Cheryl Davis and she passed....ugh.

It really was important to me today to be with his siblings and hug his daughter. I know they are in a lot of pain. It hurt me bad to see Lisa crying today...and the tears in Wes's eyes as he hugged her. And the sadness that filled and overwhelmed my heart today when I just thought about Gary's voice not being heard anymore.

Life gets shorter everyday and I swear I have got to get closer to my people. I love them and I want to be a part of all their lives. I need to. Its a hole I have in my heart. I don't want to regret not being closer and loving them truly.

As I write I realize, we are thick. Our family has always been really close and weve lost some of that.

Expectations

It's not only high expectations that will get ya. It's having any expectations! I had  thought that meeting my husbands "middle" daughter would be a bad thing. I was so nervous that she would have her mind made up about me before she met me. And maybe she did... But she is sure a sweet girl. She's the opposite of what I had imagined. All I knew for sure was that she was very angry at all of us. And as the new step monster I figured I would get all her anger directly. 

I'm assuming now that she is mature enough to see people for who they are and she's definitely open minded and non judgmental.  Which is high on my list of great qualities to have.  

Thank you lord for sending her home to us and giving her the courage and wisdom to know when she needs love and support from her family.  

And puppy too...

Spaces in our hearts

Wow! It's not often anymore that I have this urge to pull out my computer and write because I really have something to say. Lately its been more forced.

This morning my heart has been lifted up! My daughter and I have had a texting chat about her breaking up with her current boyfriend. The last text I got from her said" Thanks for your advice it honestly helps a lot". And that just makes me SOOO happy. Because sometimes I know that advice from your parents is just blah blah blah...So to have really helped her makes me feel warm hearted inside. I don't know I just want her to know that boys don't fill that spot inside, they add to it. As a woman its my JOB to teach her these things. Her Daddy can teach her many things. But this department is mine. And I feel like I am very qualified.  And as of today very successful  :~)

I'm so thankful to my family. Thankful to Joe for loving me unconditionally. And I love Traci so much for giving me a chance after losing her Mother. I know that wasn't a normal reaction. Most would have pushed away the idea of another woman coming in. But she gave me a chance and I cant say enough how happy I am.

Power to the lifting

So today really was a good day accept for the outburst that seems to happen too often with my husband. Its no ones fault I guess. It just gets old. I love him! I do every day, all day, all the time. I just had to say that I guess.... Probably shouldn't have.. oh well I did. But anyway. Traci did great today power lifting!She truly lights up my life. I know she doesn't always feel the same about me. But I have to keep in mind she s a kid. I bet someday she will appreciate me. It took Blinda 40 years to appreciate her step mother (my mother) maybe Traci will too. Anyway. I love her.

Whitney meet 2015