Happy anniversary

It's been up and down... not my marriage, just my own battles with myself. After a few months of feeling kind of down I've made a decision to let go again. Give it all to God. I really felt great a few yrs ago when I lived a daily life of "doing the next right thing". It's hard to believe that I ever lived such a serene life now. But I'm in search of that feeling again. To treat people better and embrace my own decisions since that's really all I have control of.

I love my family so much! And of course my wonderful husband Joe! Hoping for many yrs to come together and us both growing together and finding what's most important in our lives.

Been thinking about writing for awhile and I've HAD good ideas on topics. However today if I could tear this blog up like a piece of paper in shreds I would.

I'm depressed. I feel useless and hopeless. I wish I didn't have to see or talk to anyone for days. I feel like I need a hug NOT to be lashed out at.

Sometimes I give up... today I do. In bed where I just want to live. I don't want to have to explain anymore... it doesn't help.

If your reading this.. that's fine. This is where I vent. I don't need a response from anyone.

Skipping stones

Life is ever changing..evolving like it or not. Traci has left home, Jacklyn has come home. She's having a baby girl soon and it's definitely exciting. I'm nervous for me and happy for her. I don't know what will be expected of me and what I'm willing or capable of doing for her. So I just trust it will be fine. That's what I do when I don't know what to do.

Jan has to have surgery on her anurism in her brain and we are all scared for her.

I've lost my Aunt Shirley and skipped stones for Gary in lake Whitney and cried with Lisa Kay. It felt good to tell her I love her.

Mom and Buddy both have had medical issues but doing ok.

We've been to see Dad and I pray he makes it out of there alive.

The boys are growing fast and I don't want to miss a thing. But I do.

Joe and I are happy daily. But I think we both are struggling to deal with Traci being gone.

The Lewis Family reunion was fun. I hope Joe knows how lucky he is to have so much family that strives yearly to stay connected.

Sometimes I feel inadequate when they talk about how wonderful Denise was.
She is in heaven I know smiling down. And Jack too.

Cheryl Davis

The best and longest friendship I ever had.

Spread the Love

Im feeling old today and lately. When my body hurts and I get real tired I start thinking oh crap...here it comes already, signs of the last half of my life. Its weird and I am known for thinking worst case scenario. But in this case I feel like its not that far off from the truth or a possible reality. Im not saying Im scared. Im just wanting to be sure I don't leave this world without a good mark on it. I want people to have great things to say about me and of course just like everyone else I am sure to not be "forgotten". I don't want to be famous or rich. I just want to help people even if all I can do are the smallest of gestures. I am lately feeling like I don't do that anymore.

I used to take the time to go and see people/family, see how they are and offer encouragement and love. I guess because its all I can really offer, its important to me. it makes me feels better to literally spread the love. That's it! That's what I used to do and want to do.....

There is no better feeling to me than just talking with someone who is sad or having a bad time and encourage them to carry  on, to take one step at a time. Give them ideas on how to make there situation better. ( I should spend so much time on my own life) lol

Anyway.. I miss that. Gonna start doing that.

Luke one of the loves of my life <3

Spreading the love

Many things have happened lately. It seems we just buried my cousin Gary. My Aunt Shirley went shortly before. I've been feeling the heartbreak for Gary's siblings. It makes me think of the day coming that I will lose my brother. And of course I will also lose other family members that will be very hard for me to handle. I'm emotionally weak when it comes to these sorts of life struggles. I've suffered much in my life but most of my hurt has been self inflicted or from lost love. Not so much from loss of life. I've had some.  But it's not been anything I couldn't handle. I dread the day. Badly 

However we've also had some really good things happening. Little Wesley is going to compete in a state championship event. Also tracy is going to the regional event for powerlifting tomorrow. We're so damn excited for both of these wonderful happenings that it's hard to believe we've just suffered some great loss.

I live in my head a lot alone with my thoughts. Expressing myself was something I finally learned as an adult.  But now I try to keep it in. Just seems like the thing to do. Unless of course I'm with my mother.

I wonder much about life and the end result. MY end result. What will I leave behind, who will remember me and for how long? Then I have ask myself..what's important to me? 

Being a positive influence on people, youngsters in particular. Little things to me are important too. Like not talking about adult topics in front of youngsters. Its not necessary for them to hear about money problems or drugs, gossip or drama. If I can help a teenager or child feel better about themselves and strive to do well I'm happy.  To help them see that they are important, valuable and loved. It's hard to say what if anything people take from our gestures to help.  But I feel like I have to do my part to add to there life in a positive way.  It's weird... since I haven't given birth, that I strongly feel the need to smile, encourage and love so many.  It's like it's MY JOB! Oh it feels good and I enjoy it but it's kind of odd too.

I guess I'm so full of kindness and love in my heart I want to spread it.  I want it to be contagious! And THAT is what's important to me 

Gary

Gary Parker, my cousin was a good man. And I know a lot of people just say that. But he really was. He had this softness about him you could see in his eyes and hear in his voice. You could just tell he genuinely cared and wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. Oh he had his rough patches throughout his life he spent some years dancing with the devil (most of us have) but Im so happy that he got on track and enjoyed his family in his short life.

I found myself today wondering if he would have done anything different and my bet is he wouldn't. I hadn't seen him much over the last few years. I spoke to him when he was in the hospital with intestinal problems. I spoke to him about Aunt Shirley when she was very ill and before she passed on. But I hadn't really got to just visit with him and I do really regret that. I feel like I should have tried harder to see him when he was in town and I didn't! It does bother me. I did the same thing with my friend Cheryl Davis and she passed....ugh.

It really was important to me today to be with his siblings and hug his daughter. I know they are in a lot of pain. It hurt me bad to see Lisa crying today...and the tears in Wes's eyes as he hugged her. And the sadness that filled and overwhelmed my heart today when I just thought about Gary's voice not being heard anymore.

Life gets shorter everyday and I swear I have got to get closer to my people. I love them and I want to be a part of all their lives. I need to. Its a hole I have in my heart. I don't want to regret not being closer and loving them truly.

As I write I realize, we are thick. Our family has always been really close and weve lost some of that.

Expectations

It's not only high expectations that will get ya. It's having any expectations! I had  thought that meeting my husbands "middle" daughter would be a bad thing. I was so nervous that she would have her mind made up about me before she met me. And maybe she did... But she is sure a sweet girl. She's the opposite of what I had imagined. All I knew for sure was that she was very angry at all of us. And as the new step monster I figured I would get all her anger directly. 

I'm assuming now that she is mature enough to see people for who they are and she's definitely open minded and non judgmental.  Which is high on my list of great qualities to have.  

Thank you lord for sending her home to us and giving her the courage and wisdom to know when she needs love and support from her family.  

And puppy too...

Spaces in our hearts

Wow! It's not often anymore that I have this urge to pull out my computer and write because I really have something to say. Lately its been more forced.

This morning my heart has been lifted up! My daughter and I have had a texting chat about her breaking up with her current boyfriend. The last text I got from her said" Thanks for your advice it honestly helps a lot". And that just makes me SOOO happy. Because sometimes I know that advice from your parents is just blah blah blah...So to have really helped her makes me feel warm hearted inside. I don't know I just want her to know that boys don't fill that spot inside, they add to it. As a woman its my JOB to teach her these things. Her Daddy can teach her many things. But this department is mine. And I feel like I am very qualified.  And as of today very successful  :~)

I'm so thankful to my family. Thankful to Joe for loving me unconditionally. And I love Traci so much for giving me a chance after losing her Mother. I know that wasn't a normal reaction. Most would have pushed away the idea of another woman coming in. But she gave me a chance and I cant say enough how happy I am.

Power to the lifting

So today really was a good day accept for the outburst that seems to happen too often with my husband. Its no ones fault I guess. It just gets old. I love him! I do every day, all day, all the time. I just had to say that I guess.... Probably shouldn't have.. oh well I did. But anyway. Traci did great today power lifting!She truly lights up my life. I know she doesn't always feel the same about me. But I have to keep in mind she s a kid. I bet someday she will appreciate me. It took Blinda 40 years to appreciate her step mother (my mother) maybe Traci will too. Anyway. I love her.

Whitney meet 2015