Spreading the love

Many things have happened lately. It seems we just buried my cousin Gary. My Aunt Shirley went shortly before. I've been feeling the heartbreak for Gary's siblings. It makes me think of the day coming that I will lose my brother. And of course I will also lose other family members that will be very hard for me to handle. I'm emotionally weak when it comes to these sorts of life struggles. I've suffered much in my life but most of my hurt has been self inflicted or from lost love. Not so much from loss of life. I've had some.  But it's not been anything I couldn't handle. I dread the day. Badly 

However we've also had some really good things happening. Little Wesley is going to compete in a state championship event. Also tracy is going to the regional event for powerlifting tomorrow. We're so damn excited for both of these wonderful happenings that it's hard to believe we've just suffered some great loss.

I live in my head a lot alone with my thoughts. Expressing myself was something I finally learned as an adult.  But now I try to keep it in. Just seems like the thing to do. Unless of course I'm with my mother.

I wonder much about life and the end result. MY end result. What will I leave behind, who will remember me and for how long? Then I have ask myself..what's important to me? 

Being a positive influence on people, youngsters in particular. Little things to me are important too. Like not talking about adult topics in front of youngsters. Its not necessary for them to hear about money problems or drugs, gossip or drama. If I can help a teenager or child feel better about themselves and strive to do well I'm happy.  To help them see that they are important, valuable and loved. It's hard to say what if anything people take from our gestures to help.  But I feel like I have to do my part to add to there life in a positive way.  It's weird... since I haven't given birth, that I strongly feel the need to smile, encourage and love so many.  It's like it's MY JOB! Oh it feels good and I enjoy it but it's kind of odd too.

I guess I'm so full of kindness and love in my heart I want to spread it.  I want it to be contagious! And THAT is what's important to me 