I talked to Him today

Today I've had this feeling of renewal, stability for our future and a sense of... Longevity in my life and marriage. Somehow today... It just hit me!

As I drove away from my training at my new part time job I realized it then. I was smiling and had this feeling of finally getting a regular daily pattern. I am contributing financially to my family and it takes that to first make me feel worthy. Everything else just falls in afterward. We have things in order now. My order disorder doesn't allow me to feel good if too many things are not taken care of... No loose ends are allowed, so my brain tells me. It's like having emails that are just sitting there that need to be filed or deleted. Then of course there is the deleting of the deleted folder contents too! Anyway it comes and goes this anxiousness I get if the loose ends aren't tied. 

But today is great! And the point is the feelings I'm having today are that my loose ends are getting less. And my life is good, great in fact. 

Today I spoke to God for about twenty minutes thanked him for everything he has shared with me and for helping me walk away from a bad situation. For helping me be a better person. For showing me that I can't fix everyone's difficulties and its not my job. For seeing fit that I live out the rest of my days with a wonderful man. For allowing me to be healthy and have a nice home life. For my job and my daily bread ( I've been without). For my mother and my familys health and love. So I'm grateful for many things and I was reminded today.... Just by a feeling of renewal and pure love in my heart for others and from others <3

He's home :-)

Oh how the world goes round while my husband is home :-) we wait each week to be together again... And when gets home it's wonderful !

The pig is singing

Today feels like a good day. My pig is outside singing in tune to the spring coming on. Pansies,lillies and tulips dance in my head. Coffee and toast settle my morning tummy. A few smokes, my daily reading and hot shower will send me off to work. This year is exciting! A good feeling is swelling up inside me. I'm looking forward to our wedding party and road trip to Colorado this summer. Love is in the air.. Have a great day ;-)

Fingers crossed

Finally after being so frustrated yet holding it in, after a couple hours I was finally able to say "hey ... Listen, just a little heads up... If you don't start cleaning your room you won't get to compete in sports and you won't get your drivers license, which is actually a possibility in the near future. You have no idea how much easier things could be for you if you JUST cleaned your room! We've been on your ass for weeks! Your not getting the point! Your going to be pulled from competing!! ". 

So... She said she will keep a watch on her assignments due so there are no more missing papers, keep up with her dogs food and water, clean her room and bathroom starting tomorrow. I told her it's time to turn over a new leaf!!! ENOUGH! Then of course I said" your dad is gonna come home next week and see its not done AND YOUR DONE!! No more sports!! 

That's really the short version. It really was kinda a heart to step monster talk. But I think she got it. 

Hehe.... I think my talk with her actually worked ;-) fingers crossed

Give it to God today

I hope work goes good today. I'm feeling ... Unsettled I guess. I feel like its not going to be a good day and there's nothing I can do to make it better. Oh I'll get through and it will all turn out fine. But I'm alittle sad inside. I don't like the way I feel. My heart hurts alittle and I kinda want to not have to smile today because that's not how I feel. Maybe a shower will help but I doubt it.  It's in there and I don't see it coming out... Not today. It's one of those days I have to practice giving it over to God and trust He will see me through. And He will. 

Daydreaming healthy?

So back to the idea of writing about something else...

Feels like a lifetime ago I was on an airplane a couple of times a month. Back and forth to work in Oklahoma or snow in Colorado to France or Latin America. No I don't miss that lifestyle. I'm right where I really always wanted to be, happily married and stable in our home and in our lives together. 

Ya know all the experiences we each have in our lives bring is to where we are. At some point we land where we are suppose to. I have no regrets. I really don't. I mean.. If had one it would not be what one would think! It would be that I wasn't a better child and student and that I didn't get an education and have a thriving career. That's the only thing I feel missing. I know I would be really good at some things if I only had a degree and a job that required me to steadily improve my skills and or the quality of others lives. 

I find myself still dreaming up things I WANT to do and make a good living at it. The lady in town that has the little business of shipping out packages, faxes, making copies and such has the right idea. A small cafe with .25 coffee, affordable awesome burgers, free wifi and a little book store could be fun! All kinds of ideas I have... Then I think I'm too old to start an adventure like that and this town seems like a tough crowd to sell to. Writing a book would only be beneficial for me, I'm sure I'd never be on the #1 list. I used to want to run around the country and take photos of old laundry mats/ washaterias. Thought it would make a cool coffee table book or old delapitaded barns. I thought of a book of my travels and families I have loved along the way. I'm full of ideas just none of them transpire. 

So I daydream alot I guess. Is that healthy ? Toilets with a bullseye painted in the bowl or clear ones made into fish aquariums. Short cigarettes called quickies! Lubes and Boobs where you can get a cold beer and watch chicks change your oil. Oh ... It's really endless. 

Oh I'm satisfied with everything! Don't get me wrong. Happier than I ever thought I would be in this life. THIS is also something I used to daydream about!!! THIS :-)

☕ ☕ ☕ ☕ ☕ ☕ ☕

So I woke up and looked at the time.. 3:38. Tried to sleep more... 4:49. So knowing I wouldn't be getting anymore sleep I figured I'd get up before Traci left for school, use my new griddle and cook bacon. It was wonderful to see the pure surprise and happiness on her face and she was very appreciative.  

Now.... What to do? Coffee and cigs till my sleeping handsome awakes.  ☕

This too shall pass

The Super Bowl sucked! SUCKED I tell you. But... I will always be a Denver fan no way around it. I had many good years watching em' with great friends. 

My husband will be home in 20 minutes, yes I know almost exactly! It's like a big sigh of relief every time. That's how I know... Secure and safe with him once again. It's like my shoulders drop and I don't have to be strong while he's here. I can just be me. 

I'm not really built to be the "step monster"! A sweet little likable lovable step mother yes. So idk... I'm just doing the best I can on most days. Ill admit somedays it's too much, well not TOO much just too much for that day. When I have given all I can then that's enough. We're all just people even kids. You can lead a horse... Ya know? 

I keep in mind things will evolve. This too shall pass AND she's just a kid really who needs love and I'm gonna be sure to give it to her. 

Ok... Where's Joe? HE'S HERE!!

Sunday... SUNday....SUNDAY!

This Sunday morning feels ... different. I don't know gloomy I guess it's just the weather. I'm home alone well sort of one is working out of town one is at church and of course the youngest one is still in bed. I sure wish she would get up on her OWN and clean her room. But I've decided to wait till she gets up to let her know that's what she's doing today. If I get any resistance I will let her know maybe its better coming from her Dad. That's the only tool I feel I have although I really don't like doing that. It takes any power I may have away. Maybe I could try using..."these are your consequences and if you don't follow the rules your out of athletics all together". I don't know. I really don't think I'll get to much resistance. I just think that noon is late enough to sleep and her getting up and turning on tv is NOT going to work for me today. So we shall see. 

Other than that I just feel blah... Laundry is spinning been cleaning up. But that's not doing it for me. Thinking about starting a book Jan loaned me. Looks good. I miss my husband and the rest of my family too. 

Super Bowl will get me out of my blah... Come on Denver!!!