Breaking the cycle

I think I've made so many bad decisions in my life...and sometimes making decisions is so over whelming for me that I find it better to just PICK something so that I can move on with my day ( obsessing ) now I don't know when to trust my decisions. Its nothing... just me being OCD.

I found myself today questioning myself. Not because anything happened that I should... after realizing what I was doing and thinking about it I realized its because so much of the last few years have been... things going good then BAM ....over and over and over. Its like a cycle and I expect its about time for shit to go to hell. Not saying it will. In fact I'm almost certain it won't. But because of the "cycle" I find myself on guard, anxiety ridden and it effects people around me. Just another thing I have to be aware of and make sure I don't react to these feelings.

Everything has been working itself out...by that I mean MY messed up way of thinking.... I know the way I have been programmed is wrong. Reconditioning is the process. It will all be gone over time.

Thank you God for helping me recognize the cycle and break it. Thank you Joe for you patience, support, understand and unconditional love.  :-)

Jump in...

The only way to know if I'm making the right decision is to make A decision and see how it turns out. I can then alter things to suit my needs. Jump in and go from there so to speak. So I shall...

Failure is possible. So is success.  Its real necessary for me to have my priorities in line. For my self worth and confidence its a must that I work hard and give 100%. Now is the time to give my efforts and see what I can make of it. Its important for me to have a role and routine in my daily life. 

So here I go. I'm excited and nervous which I have to remember is normal. I really hope this works out good. I need it too...

Thank you God

As he drove off for work this morning I sat in the morning darkness sipped my coffee and thought ... what will my conversation to his mother be like this morning ?

He spoke with her yesterday about us getting married pretty soon. It made me feel overwhelmed. Not the wedding, the thought of what to say to his mother. Right away tears fell from my eyes. Then I thanked God for bringing Joe to me. I must have said thank you five times outloud.

Somehow it helped. I needed to truly thank him. I would go through everything again if that's what it took to get me here to my love. The one that loves me. The one that makes me smile everyday and never makes me cry.

Thank you again God. I will thank you everyday for the rest of my life.

The backseat

I know my boyfriend is going to read this.

I am in the backseat as he drives this sexy ass camaro. I've wanted to grab him up all day, but at a family reunion its not a good idea. He doesn't know it... that I've had this urge most of the day. I just play it cool. As he says little things about the happenings of this event I just smile and nod. Really I wish he would touch me or grab me. I know he can't. But that's what's been on my mind all day.

Little yellow pill

What to say... I think I need a hormone pill. Not in general or daily just at this moment. Every once in awhile I just think I could stabilize my mood and anxiety with one or those little yellow pills.

Then again I guess a beer does the same thing.

I guess I didn't really have much to say. A good day has been had.

I am certain

Well.. I haven't read much more in the premarital book. Maybe I read what I needed to be reminded. That it is a sacred union not to be toyed with unless one is fully committed to the future spouse. Forgiveness ... even when its small, forgive little arguments and move on. Don't stay mad. Resentment is the root of evil. I don't want those in my life. I lived with those on a regular basis its toxic.

For me... I just need to know that I know that I KNOW I can trust him, he loves me UNCONDITIONALLY, he will provide, never be abusive and that he is faithful and loyal TO ME. I in return have to know I will be all of that for him.

That being said, I am certain I will be happy with Joe for the rest of our days. It makes me smile ;-)

One flesh

So I stumbled on to my book "before we say I do" which I must not have read before ;-) I found a feeling of importance inside me to thumb through and see if that book matches the thoughts in my head. If we could honestly answer these questions and know we ARE in fact compatible and have the same ideas as to what our image of a sacred marriage is. Do WE have what it takes together? Do we feel strongly that we can always over come issues and stick together NO MATTER WHAT!

It talks about "one flesh". Oh I like this part! I've known about this (I did read this book before its just hard to admit)  I have always thought this is how marriage should be...."when two people become one flesh it ought to be difficult if not impossible for them to be seperated from one another".
Another quote..." when two people become one flesh no third party can intrude into that relationship".
It also says that one flesh is not only physical but takes place in moments of intimacy. I really like this chapter it applies to MY personal beliefs and feelings on marriage.

It talks about how important it is that your beliefs in faith be the same, and I do think that it is important to not be too far from one another on this. BUT.. this book came from a church so... I move on the other topics.

Do we agree on important topics about life... abortion, world peace, contributing to charities, and of course going to church. Have we talked about finances,drug addiction, family and of course church.

I'm still reading.....to be continued.

Smith boys

All it takes for me to remember what's important in life... a visit to see my Smith boys! I never knew I could love someone so much. They remind me that love, affection and smiles are what builds us from an early age. And they are so easy to love!

I could never imagine life with them before they came and now I could never imagine life without them. Thank you boys. I love you.
Crazy Aunt Cheryl

My team

The future... that's my focus. The past has drug me down enough. Some things are starting to transpire in the way of showing me its ok now to look at it all in my rear view mirror. It really is going to be over and man .... it feels great. Its in my sights now.. no stopping me.

The next chapter is already in progress and making progress. I'm feeling more comfortable with myself and my life. Just have to keep trying to better myself and keep in mind I am not alone. I am in a relationship that is also..a partnership. We are a team.
I've never had that before and I really like it. I'm used to being the only one on my team. I love you Joe.

I get alittle stronger

The Dr. Phil program is starting out todays show with a wife who is being verbally abused and physical too. Brings back major memories!

The asshole husband says a woman's duty is to clean and have sex. I wanna kill this guy!

She is crying because she doesn't want him to leave. I wanna kill her too... not really, but geez! Oh but wait a minute... that's me! Well it was. As I watch this program I see how ridiculous my family must have thought I was. They must have wanted to scream!

I'm really sorry I sorta ... talked them into trying to be understanding each time that sick bastard lured me back in. I thank them..but I also apologize to them for it. So momma if ur still following this. I'm so sorry you had to watch me go through that.

But hey!! Thank God that's over. Everyday it feels alittle more, behind me. I get alittle stronger.

Be gentle with yourself

I can't go back to sleep after my true love has left for work this morning. It almost always is like this. I've been trying to sleep for about an hour. So I finally give in pick up my phone, write and delete about three text messages to him. I know he is driving so I do not want to get him too distracted at this hour on the road. Besides if I sent a text to him everytime he was on my mind neither one of us would ever get anything else done.

My plan today is to think positive ALL day. Nothing more...oh and as a good friend would say..." be gentle with yourself Cheryl ".

Night thoughts

So much going through my head tonight. Moving on... God what a concept. Ya know I've looked my whole life for someone to live, love and die with. My whole life !!! Truly all I ever wanted. I think after it came to be that I can't have children I started looking for that person that would accept me as I am. Someone to give my abundant amount of love to. I have stored it. My real love. Oh I tried to give it away and I did without the return I was searching for.

So here and now after all these years I find him. I'm going to say  that again...I found him. The one that loves back unconditionally. The one that cares how I feel and tells me with his eyes, heart and actions all I've ever wanted to hear and feel...love, real love. I don't ever doubt him. He means everything he says. I want to make him happy and it doesn't take much.

On top of all that...guess what..he he's kids. So I do too!! I love them. Its a blessing. I believe I have waited all these years for this moment! And I always believed that..but now I can't deny that God has a plan for each one of us. My plan has brought me here .. home.