I wonder..

So... Many days I have found myself feeling as though I am walking in the same path as my husbands late wife Denise. It is in my everyday life mostly that I am referring to. It's a strange position that I never imagined being in. 

It first happened one day at home alone while I was cleaning. Then again when I was showering while home alone. I have to admit I had never thought much about living where she had lived. Cooking meals, cleaning and sleeping in the same place and imagining how she did things kind of consumed me for a couple weeks. 

Sometimes even taking Traci to school or sporting events and choir I wonder if she was better at it than I am.  I wonder... Did she love Traci a lot more than I do because she was her own? Am I doing good? Would she be proud or not?

A couple of times joe and I were in Walmart where Denise worked for over 10 years and an old coworker of hers would give us the questionable look. Like the day in the photo lab when I said my last name and the counter woman that developed our wedding pictures looked at Joe and I and asked how long we had been married.  As we walked away he told me she had been Denise's friend. 

So last week as I walked into Walmart for my first day on a new job it hit me! Now I will drive the same path and work in the same location Denise did. I thought about her on the way to work and home from work. 

It's not an earie feeling or anything. It's more . . Like I find myself putting on her shoes and living in moments as she did. I wonder what she thought about on the way to work. I wonder if she was as excited as I am to see Traci sing in school concerts or play ball. 

I wonder was she happy? Did she think about Joe like I do. Did she love him so much she would knock someone in the head if she had to? I wonder if we would have been friends? I hope she's in heaven smiling :-) I hope she knows I will do my best to love and honor Traci and Joe. 

I wonder..

The spirit

The Christmas spirit. It comes to me easily every year. I suppose it's the one time in the year that I try to forget anything negative and be thankful for the gifts of life I have received throughout the year. God helps me through in many ways all year each year so I have take this opportunity to give back what I can. Make someone smile or share my positive thoughts and hope it helps someone else. The SPIRIT of Christmas is truly in spirit. 

June 5, 2011 God answered

Ya know it's so weird to think that I am 43 and I have no real career, no children, no husband, no home (RV does not count as a home), no cause I run around the world fighting for, no money, no big dreams of having any either. Oh and I have no ass! I lost it in a poker game lol. No really. A car accident did a number on me.
Yet I'm fairly content. I don't want anything i don't have. Accept maybe a little more happiness. A daily dose of utter joy would be good. Yet I don't really know what would make me Happier other than more love and family in my life.
I miss my cousins, family Christmas's, sleep overs with girlfriends and roller skating.
This older man at work the other day said "ya know what the worse part of getting old is?.....getting old!"
I think the bottom line for me Is I don't want to grow old alone. That's my fear. I used to fear dying of a violent death. Now I fear dying old and lonely.
God will see to it that I am where I should be. I trust him.

I found this in my phone journal....

Cabin fever

The weather has us all hunkered down. I'm about to go out of mind. Too many women in one house. It's ok. But cabin fever has got me. I can't just sit for DAYS and watch stupid movies like these lazy young girls.

I've showered today unlike yesterday. I'm dressed and have my face on. I gotta do something. A cocktail sounds good! Andddd it is a friends birthday! Hmm sounds like it could be a plan. If this tv in this house gets ANY louder I may scream!!!!

God I miss my husband.

We are all we have

I've always believed that something good always comes from something "not so good". On Sunday at an absolutely beautifully given funeral service for a family member of my husbands (new to me as I am still newly wed) I was first of all in awe of the church itself. Then listening to the stories with great respect for the family I found myself trying to remember the last funeral my family had been to. All the while keeping in mind that my husband and his family have seen to many in the last several years. I felt an overwhelming feeling that my turn is coming to feel the pain they have. Not because anyone is old or sick just because my family has been spared lately it seems.

But the thing that got to me the most was the message that was spoken there. I can't repeat it word for word. What it said to me was this, actually the service and all the events that unfolded there along with the message sent me out with this....

Life truly is short. Shorter everyday. Forgive. Forget. Move on from turmoil. Help others but be sure to take care of your own first. For I will give everything and have nothing for my own needs and in the past no one there to lean on. Watch your words you can't take them back. I want to laugh everyday not waste time gossiping about others short comings.
Love NOW! And show it to your people hug your kids and mothers and husbands. Death is part of life so LIVE it! Brush the chip off your shoulder for it will weigh you down. Let the marks you leave on this earth be remembered with a smile not a frown. We are all WE have.