Spread the Love

Im feeling old today and lately. When my body hurts and I get real tired I start thinking oh crap...here it comes already, signs of the last half of my life. Its weird and I am known for thinking worst case scenario. But in this case I feel like its not that far off from the truth or a possible reality. Im not saying Im scared. Im just wanting to be sure I don't leave this world without a good mark on it. I want people to have great things to say about me and of course just like everyone else I am sure to not be "forgotten". I don't want to be famous or rich. I just want to help people even if all I can do are the smallest of gestures. I am lately feeling like I don't do that anymore.

I used to take the time to go and see people/family, see how they are and offer encouragement and love. I guess because its all I can really offer, its important to me. it makes me feels better to literally spread the love. That's it! That's what I used to do and want to do.....

There is no better feeling to me than just talking with someone who is sad or having a bad time and encourage them to carry  on, to take one step at a time. Give them ideas on how to make there situation better. ( I should spend so much time on my own life) lol

Anyway.. I miss that. Gonna start doing that.

Luke one of the loves of my life <3

Spreading the love

Many things have happened lately. It seems we just buried my cousin Gary. My Aunt Shirley went shortly before. I've been feeling the heartbreak for Gary's siblings. It makes me think of the day coming that I will lose my brother. And of course I will also lose other family members that will be very hard for me to handle. I'm emotionally weak when it comes to these sorts of life struggles. I've suffered much in my life but most of my hurt has been self inflicted or from lost love. Not so much from loss of life. I've had some.  But it's not been anything I couldn't handle. I dread the day. Badly 

However we've also had some really good things happening. Little Wesley is going to compete in a state championship event. Also tracy is going to the regional event for powerlifting tomorrow. We're so damn excited for both of these wonderful happenings that it's hard to believe we've just suffered some great loss.

I live in my head a lot alone with my thoughts. Expressing myself was something I finally learned as an adult.  But now I try to keep it in. Just seems like the thing to do. Unless of course I'm with my mother.

I wonder much about life and the end result. MY end result. What will I leave behind, who will remember me and for how long? Then I have ask myself..what's important to me? 

Being a positive influence on people, youngsters in particular. Little things to me are important too. Like not talking about adult topics in front of youngsters. Its not necessary for them to hear about money problems or drugs, gossip or drama. If I can help a teenager or child feel better about themselves and strive to do well I'm happy.  To help them see that they are important, valuable and loved. It's hard to say what if anything people take from our gestures to help.  But I feel like I have to do my part to add to there life in a positive way.  It's weird... since I haven't given birth, that I strongly feel the need to smile, encourage and love so many.  It's like it's MY JOB! Oh it feels good and I enjoy it but it's kind of odd too.

I guess I'm so full of kindness and love in my heart I want to spread it.  I want it to be contagious! And THAT is what's important to me 