Can't sleep

Yes I know you read my blog everyday. I'm glad! Lets me know I'm important to you. And the question now is...Do I let you know how important you are to me?

I want to say real quick...thank you for putting my mind at ease with the things I was stressing over. And thank you for helping me trust and believe again. I only do because of you, your love and because of your gentle reassuring words.

You are a great man. I'm blessed to have found you again in this life. I shall never let you go.

Dear Traci~

As a sweet young lady with her father go to receive her mothers grave stone it hits me....they have lost a mother and a wife, someone they love more than I am sure they can describe. It sits hard with me as they pull out of the driveway...I didn't know Denise but I feel as though I  may tear. For the days I have spent with this young lady have been enlightening and close to my heart. Everyday I love her more and she probably doesn't even know it. So now I feel this enormous amount of pain in my heart for her, and for her father. How this little girl keeps it together I don't know. She rarely talks about her mother.  I pray that she is dealing with it on her own terms and not suppressing a tremendous amount of pain that she will later have to unravel again and feel this all over. I feel the need to be her keeper, her friend and her stand in for these next few years I know will be challenging in many ways.

I need to tell her. I think she should know that I am here for her. The only reason I haven't expressed it yet in words is that I don't want her to feel any pressure. She doesn't need anymore pressure or pain or confusion in her life. She just needs to know I am here for her. I think she may be ready to hear that from me, I am ready to share that with her.

"When the student is ready the teacher will appear"
   Buddha

Pickles

When I was a child I ignored old people when they spoke to me. I thought it was all jibberish. That nothing they had to ramble on about really concerned me...it wasn't important. 

I've regretted that decision more than once. I wish I had listened when my Granny spoke and my Nanny too. Oh I did sometimes but I have a feeling now that some of those stories I thought boring and unimportant could be if nothing else great memories of thier lives.

So today I listened to a lovely woman tell of her childhood memories of canning foods.  Which is something! It made me realize I've NEVER canned, probably never would have. But... come on, that's what women used to do!

So many family values, customs and stories have been lost along the way. Makes me want to sit and talk to my mother, and can pickles or something !

Thanks Jan...and when I say "old" I really mean aged to perfection.

Sunday

Sunday has always been my favorite day of the week. So I sit after sipping coffee, smoking cigs and watching my Sunday Morning program which is my favorite thing to do on Sunday morning and I wonder what will I write about today. Thoughts are hard to get down in writing sometimes especially when I have so many. Many things come to mind to write about. The task seems so difficult today that it may be easier to keep them in my head. In fact I think I need more caffeine and smokes to get my thoughts straight, but then...that could make it worse. Maybe I should just try to get it out of my head and see what happens.

My Best friend for many years is more than likely not going to live much longer, cancer.
I miss my mother. My sisters Birthday is tomorrow and I could care less because I am angry at her. I miss my Smith boys. I really need a job. I don't like to ask for help and I need it. I don't know why I have such a hard time with this...but I do. It makes me feel very insecure and at the mercy of others.
I  am in love with a man I can't seem to be with enough...(I'm well aware someone has to work around here). Makes me feel even worse. I need to get those damn papers filed! I have a civil lawsuit against me and every time I think about the financial position that jerk put me in I wan't to scream.

But hey! I'm with a man I am crazy about and sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has a great family that seems to be accepting of me. My health is pretty good. My family loves me. I'm grateful to God my father is ok even though he is not really. My serenity level is up higher than it has been in quite  a few years. I smile every night before I fall asleep. I woke up singing a song everyday. So.... I'm good really. Just takes alittle while to realize it some days.
Have a great day I am going to even if it takes trying really hard to find something to occupy myself.

Music! I need music! :~)

I think I'm in love

The best part of today....well that hasn't happened yet. Your not home yet. But, today has been pretty grand I will say. Hanging out with a teenage girl, going to the mall and having lunch. It brings back memories of myself and reminds me how hard life seemed back then. I mean it was hard but in ways that adults never get. It's an emotional time in life especially for a girl. A time when a young lady needs support, encouragement, guidance and most of all I THINK...approval. She needs to know that she is the best in someones eyes. She is the MOST important thing in someones world. She is the prettiest and the ONLY one that matters to at least someone. And when she rambles on about girl things, she just wants someone to listen.

That's what I did today, hung out with an amazing teenage girl that I am completely falling in love with. She's learning to drive in my car and that's just good bonding. We bond in different ways everyday. I hope that she knows I don't just want her to believe she is the BEST, MOST important and beautiful girl...but that she truly is!! I wasn't sure how well I would do with my "step-daughter" (ok well not legally). But I find that if I just be myself and try to keep it real and listen to the crazy music that I love because I love it (not because I know she does) it seems to come easily most of the time.

It's a difficult time to be a young teenager. So if you know one or have one, just be supportive and point them in the right direction. Kiss em' and hug em'. They need us :~)

Gandhi

My Spirit

Today is a relax and get my brains and feelings together kind of day. I have support that assures me I can do that. I need to do that. I need be healthy in body and spirit. I feel as though my spirit had been broken and it is on the mend. Licking my wounds so to speak. It's important to my sanity to get back to feeling my spirit is free. I NEED to feel it again...

And I try not to concern myself with anything other than that, surrounding myself with goodness and positive feedback. I need to try harder to not let other things (negative) get in so easily. But when it involves my well being or someone I love...it just comes natural.

That's all today, just my quick thoughts :~)

A good day today :~)

Yesterday....not so good. Thought I might go into full blown panic mode. Today...breathe, ahhhh better. Everyday I have to wake up and say to myself. It's behind me, get up and go forward. Some days are just harder than others. But I am determined to not let all that mess consume me. It will come and go I am sure for awhile, but I have faith that if I just keep doing the next right thing it will be something I can look back on and be happy that I came out of it.

So..today will be good. I have people all around me that love me and I have to take little moments each day to remember that. I don't know why that's so difficult to accept.

It amazes me when I think about all the things my life has handed me, and I am still here standing up.

Happy Birthday Joe! Thank you for showing me the way out of hell and sharing with me your piece of heaven.

Let me be

It's something to think about. Everyone including myself say that women who are abused be it physical, mental or emotional should "get out". We ask "why does she stay with that guy?" And I don't know the answers...but I do know now the entrapment that I feel...felt. I am slowly understanding why I stayed and why I went back a million times as do other women. I won't say I didn't love him and that it  was all some sicko game he played to make me love him and then tear me apart. I think I genuinely DID love him. That was a long time ago...that fell off and what happened in the process was the controlling tactics he ever so sweetly put in place.

The only reason I am writing about this is because just yesterday I realized that without him even capable of getting to me I freaked. He has a phone number and an address. He's calling and soon he will be writing. Still...he can't get to me, but it puts me in panic mode because of the way I used to feel. I feel it all over again. He had so much control over me that I sense it, I smell it when he is near in any fashion. It puts me in the RUN mode. I'm not even sure I can explain how he controlled me and MADE me do the stupid things I did (give him another chance over and over again) That's another story on it's own...if I ever figure that out. But for now, I'm just realizing the real sense of urgency I get from knowing he is in anyway near me, be it physical or just the thought of it.

Note: I had to go back and change some of the words in the last paragraph to PAST tense! See that's a perfect example...I still feel scared to be anyway in touch with him. The sound of his voice and thought of his face makes me scream...NO ! NEVER AGAIN! I Never want to see or hear it again!

So I guess what I am trying to say is that ..I get it. I hate that I do and that anyone has to go through it. But I get it. I won't ever let that happen again. It just won't. It's changed me in a way that is.... well I am more suspicious, leery, nervous and just plain scared. And I hate that!! That part though is fading alot faster than the panic and anxiety from his after effects.

Please God just help him let go and leave me be.
Therapy...that's all this is, don't read too much into it.

Life

Im starting to feel like a human again. So much has been pulled from my soul that I wasn't sure I would come back from it. It's hard to explain. I lost myself for a while. I was beat up and left for dead. That's how it felt. And I gave up and gave in. I was empty. I know that had it not been for my family I wouldn't have made it out alive. I was at war. With an enemy I had never been up against. I didn't know first hand these destroyers existed. What a lesson to learn. So as many times as I have said I'd seen it all, now ....  I don't want to see anymore. 

The good news...it took all that to get me here. I am coming back to life. I sure am ready to be. Feels good to hear and feel positive things. IM ALIVE !! Thanks you know who you are.

Fireworks!

Its the first year of my life I don't see any I can only hear them.  Ok I just saw a few. In the country surrounded by trees I feel like Im shut off from the world, even on the 4th of July. It sounds like I imagine a war to sound. But somehow even though I can't see all the excitement, this evening always brings a little " proud to be an American" to my senses.

I have a different type of fireworks show going on anyway....it's in my heart. ;-)

No Comparison

I haven't replaced him, I wouldn't want another him. Some might call it that, but its not even close. It's called moving on and why should I wait ? The sooner I get on with my life the happier I will be.
I found someone, a friend to start, that makes me happy. Someone who is real and honest. Someone that truly cares about ME and the way that I feel. Someone that I find myself thinking about non stop and I yearn to be with for healthy reasons. You may be asking how i could know so soon. The answer is easy. I wasn't a bad judge of character before and I'm not now. I was willing to go through the crap before because i thought he was worth it. I knew... it was bad and that I was getting the short end of the stick. But I thought he loved me and was going to change.

See...I chose it. I don't choose it anymore. I choose someone that I don't feel like I have to fix. Someone that has shown me in just months what he could never.
I don't mean to compare the two, there is no comparison.
The way I feel today is the opposite of the way I felt for the last three years, and that is the goal.

Trust is a small word

The blog I wrote before was pretty clever, witty and full of more personal thoughts and events. I find that part of my writing is on hold for some reason.  Im thinking its in part due to my attempt at hiding my heart from the possible invaders that want to destroy what's left of it. Its an unhealthy feeling to have to hide.

See... what i wish i could really let go is the illusion that it was someone else that made me feel this way, because in reality I allowed someone to take advantage of me and my feelings. So..if i don't allow it any longer it won't happen. Instead of walking away because Im afraid it will, I need to be strong enough to stay and trust that it won't. I can always walk away if I feel it's going south. And someone pretty special is teaching me...it just might be worth it to trust. Im willing to try ;-)