Let me be

It's something to think about. Everyone including myself say that women who are abused be it physical, mental or emotional should "get out". We ask "why does she stay with that guy?" And I don't know the answers...but I do know now the entrapment that I feel...felt. I am slowly understanding why I stayed and why I went back a million times as do other women. I won't say I didn't love him and that it  was all some sicko game he played to make me love him and then tear me apart. I think I genuinely DID love him. That was a long time ago...that fell off and what happened in the process was the controlling tactics he ever so sweetly put in place.

The only reason I am writing about this is because just yesterday I realized that without him even capable of getting to me I freaked. He has a phone number and an address. He's calling and soon he will be writing. Still...he can't get to me, but it puts me in panic mode because of the way I used to feel. I feel it all over again. He had so much control over me that I sense it, I smell it when he is near in any fashion. It puts me in the RUN mode. I'm not even sure I can explain how he controlled me and MADE me do the stupid things I did (give him another chance over and over again) That's another story on it's own...if I ever figure that out. But for now, I'm just realizing the real sense of urgency I get from knowing he is in anyway near me, be it physical or just the thought of it.

Note: I had to go back and change some of the words in the last paragraph to PAST tense! See that's a perfect example...I still feel scared to be anyway in touch with him. The sound of his voice and thought of his face makes me scream...NO ! NEVER AGAIN! I Never want to see or hear it again!

So I guess what I am trying to say is that ..I get it. I hate that I do and that anyone has to go through it. But I get it. I won't ever let that happen again. It just won't. It's changed me in a way that is.... well I am more suspicious, leery, nervous and just plain scared. And I hate that!! That part though is fading alot faster than the panic and anxiety from his after effects.

Please God just help him let go and leave me be.
Therapy...that's all this is, don't read too much into it.