Happy Holidays

Its that time again "The Holiday Season". Yes I love it! I remember last year writing about wanting to smell the candles in the air and see the lights ashinin'.... And we did! This year the scents are in the air already chicken and dumplins and maple candles aburnin'. I don't know...things aren't great as my family is in sadness over my cousin Tonya and her latest issues. Her health and mental state really needs to be addressed, but.. I don't have all the answers, None of us do, All we can do is love her I guess, But it seems we should be able to help more. So for me that puts a damper on my emotional state. Maybe I could never explain to anyone else the closeness that we have shared our whole life. I think it is something that only she and I could ever know. But for sure her burdens are mine too.

I could go on about my other concerns.. My Dad. It never really leaves my mind. And lately with our line of communication being interrupted it makes it worse. I can write on regular paper and put it in the regular mail but I am too lazy for much of that and that's makes me feel as though I am letting him down. Yes I know I expect too much of myself. Then there is that thought in the back of my head of him being released (and it will come faster than I think) and that really puts me over the edge. For many reasons.

I worry about my mother and that I don't see her often enough. I don't spend time like I used to. And I cant even say more about that..

Life is just too short. And I am feeling like I need to focus before its all gone. Plainly, it all stresses me out. Anxiety I have it don't forget.

Im happy! With my life, the love of my life and my family. I am just the kind of person that needs to think it all through spell it out see it and say it so that I can try to deal and put it all in its place. Accept the things I cant change and change what I can. I cant change Tonya or my father but I can make a point to visit my mother more often :~)

So that's it. Happy Holidays! I love you Joe!! Im sorry if I have been too difficult lately.

Expectations

I ... want to say that I'm starting to feel old..no just older. And somewhere in all this I can still feel like  a misfit sometimes. Like I don't fit in and never will. And then I just think all the hell with it I fit like it or not. I have to remind myself that everyone else probably has the same type feelings sometimes. Or at least they have feelings that are inside that no one else knows they are feeling some kind of uneasiness that they too have to shake off.

Ideally everyone would be happy most of the time and kind and say nice things. That's what I'm used to being thankful and showing it and getting it in return. So when someone responds to my  "hey how was your day?" with "hey", it makes me want to stop saying anything at all. I try to always think of others feelings probably more than I even should. I'm just a person that is kind.

No...no one has pissed me off and I'm not having a bad day. Its just something I noticed recently. And I think it goes back to some saying about not expecting anything from anyone because you will just get let down. Expectations....its a bad thing. Idk I need to look that up.

All in all things are good I just expect too much from the world I guess. And its just not feasible in the world we live in today.

Expectations are a down payment on a resentment.

Worth the wait

Its been awhile since Iv'e written here. I wanted to be sure to make mention here of the most wonderful man in my life! I wanted to stop... take a moment and just say... Joe I am so thankful for you. I will be your best friend until our last day on this earth and surely I will live throughout eternity with you. At least I hope so.
Everyday I am reassured that you are real. And that I love you <3 You were worth the wait.

My turn

Confused... And can't really talk about it. 

Seems like it must just be how life is sometimes. Confusing. 

Told my best friend yesterday that I had the shittiest day and just needed to tell someone. I loved her reply " must be your turn but don't worry tomorrow it's someone else's ". 

Joe

I'm so in love...feels good. Miss you Joe!

Hibiscus tea how sweet!

What a delicious day so far! A nice drive north this morning through Ft. Worth lolly gagging all the way. I took my time stopped and window shopped. Finally arrived to my destination and got a sweet hug from my husband. God I love that guy ;-)

He got back to work for awhile longer so while I wait I'm out shopping! New shorts!! That fit and don't have holes in them!! Now I'm getting sun on an outside patio at an eatery sipping on sweet tropical hibiscus ice tea... Ya I know ;-)))

Easter

It sure turned out to be a great Easter! I was so happy to have the Smith gang here. I love them so much! Bonds between cousins were made along with bonds between my wonderful husband and his new in laws. Seems like everyday we all get closer and I can see us living the rest of our lives together and the fun memories will make at gatherings and Holidays.

AND...

AND... Traci's happiness is very important to me! We have to all THREE be happy. I think she ... No I know she needs to be filled with positive things everyday.  It's important for her at this stage in her life. 

Show us the way Lord

Life just keeps throwing stuff at me. I'm not good at making decisions about things especially bigger ones. I just second guess myself. But I have a feeling in my gut some changes are bound to come. It may be necessary in order to live a daily peacefulness. I don't know.. Thank God I have a loving husband I can count on to make these decisions together. 

I require peace and tranquility in my daily life. I need order and a sense of control to make my world go round.  I feel that I have compromised in the situation I'm in and it isn't paying off. I'm just.. Wondering if things could be a lot better if we make some changes. I think it would. But I would hate to feel responsible if it turned out bad. Hence that's why I have a hard time making big decisions.  God will show us the way.  I do believe that. He sees the struggles and knows the way for us. 

I need to pray. 

Message in a bottle

Im watching this dreamy love story " Message in a bottle". As it fades to commercial I think to myself awe... Love stories! "The Notebook", "An officer and a gentleman", "the way we were" all of those! Then I smile :-) I have my very own! It's real and it feels just like those movies. 

This is the first time I've ever fallen in love. Joe and I took time and went on dates and talked a lot before we realized we didn't want to be apart for another minute longer. We were friends having fun. I liked him before I loved him. 

Then we got married on that point above the water <3

Not much

Feels good to make money. I'm tired...

 I just wish I could sleep. 

Bluebonnet baby

Well I feel good this morning.  Traci was in a great mood this morning and something tells me she's getting her head on straight. Seems like I've known her my whole life now.  :-)

Here we go again

Stupidest teenage crap! So here I sit at 6:30am trying to start my day out and all I get is the VERY obvious silent treatment. My mother in law and I usually talk abit in the morning.  This morning I'm being punished.  I guess because her grand daughter has stomped her feet again at something I said.  She's not even been here 24 hours.  My tongue is about to be bit off from my holding it.  

GOOD MORNING.  Thought for today have you disciplined your children and taught them to respect and be grateful?

I'm so proud

I love to watch Traci compete! And right now I just want to support her and show her love... Love you Traci I do <3

Love you Traci

After spewing and thinking a lot.  

If I lost my mother I wouldn't care about anything either. Gonna cook Traci breakfast tmrw.  She has a track meet.  

She just came in my room and talked about tmrw.  Told her I'd cook her whatever she wants in the morning and take her to cemetery. I'm gonna continue to be understanding until Friday...

Where my mouth opened up :-0

My stepdaughter has seriously been in the bathroom for an hour! Maybe more! What the FUCK does she do in there?!

It's everyday or night. 

Every little thing is crawling under my skin with her right now. #1 she hasn't even spent ANY time cleaning her room even after her Dad left her a note with many exclamations on it !!!

She truly doesn't care. 

And I'm just waiting... As heartless as this May sound... I know when it all comes down to it (when I or Joe get pissed and tell her this lazy ass attitude is over) she's going to pull the "mom card". I actually think she's planning it.  That's why she's not doing shit to get her room and bathroom cleaned and give any kind of effort around here. She has her card in her back pocket (& her Grammy).

The news I have for her is the "step monster" is about to show up. I just can't sit by any longer and let her pout her way through and being allowed. It's needs to be confronted. She may hate me for years after and my biggest concern is that she will drag a few others with her.  

I love her. I do. But she has to be taught or she will never know. It's time to be more responsible and contribute around her.  Half ass washing dinner dishes occasionally and taking out the trash and leaving the trash bin by the street for three days after, looking in on her dogs once every week or TWO OR THREE sometimes IS NOT GETTING IT!!

Change is necessary.  

All that being spewed... I know tomorrow will be a hard day and I will more than likely cry myself at some point for her and Joes loss of a very special woman! In fact I plan on making my own visit to her resting place. 

I'm just... So... Disappointed that she isn't giving ANY effort.  And joe and I do. We really do for her to get to stay in sports after the crap she pulled. Ok done. Love you Traci and you too Joe <3

Writing technique

I'm going to have to continue to write with my heart. That's what I've always done here... It's just my feelings. I need to be able to write without fear of repercussions. Just saying don't get offended here or take anything personal. If that starts to happen I will have to make a change in my blogging. But I don't want to. I want to write quickly without thought, purely emotion. Maybe I shouldn't but it's my therapy :-) 

More thoughts to come...

Joe does this to me

ALWAYS

The birds are chattering this morning.  The pig is too singing.  Coffee is tasty! Just missing that one thing, the most important .... My hubby. He sacrifices for our family.  Just want him to know he's within my heart each morning first thing. And I will always be here with a smile when he returns.  ALWAYS no matter what!

Spring forward

I wish I had a camera the other day when my husband got the old lawn mower running and was driving around cutting grass holding his beer high and singing out " a pirate flag and an island girl".  I got a text. "Need beer". So so funny :-).  I took as a sign as to what a great summer it's going to be.  

Everyday I smile.  It's a nice change from the years past.  

Denise

Today is your birthday and I AM thinking of you. And Traci too. Sometimes I think people think I'm just the new wife that has no thoughts of what went on before I got here. But that's very far from the truth. 

I talk to you Denise quite often. And have been known to cry. Only because I know you were special to everyone. I hope and pray that I am watching over you precious daughter as you would. Everyday is not perfect here but I sure try to keep it together. And when I'm not feeling so sure about myself or the situation I do think of you. I think you pull me through sometimes... Do you? Is that you?

Happy birthday~ rest in peace 

My "fix"

A new hairdo should be just the thang :-) 

Something about hair, nails... toes, new cars... I mean shoes!!... that does a body good! I mean truly I could get my "fix" having my hair done every few months and a new pair of shoes or shorts bout every couple months.  I think I'm low low maintenance. 

I talked to Him today

Today I've had this feeling of renewal, stability for our future and a sense of... Longevity in my life and marriage. Somehow today... It just hit me!

As I drove away from my training at my new part time job I realized it then. I was smiling and had this feeling of finally getting a regular daily pattern. I am contributing financially to my family and it takes that to first make me feel worthy. Everything else just falls in afterward. We have things in order now. My order disorder doesn't allow me to feel good if too many things are not taken care of... No loose ends are allowed, so my brain tells me. It's like having emails that are just sitting there that need to be filed or deleted. Then of course there is the deleting of the deleted folder contents too! Anyway it comes and goes this anxiousness I get if the loose ends aren't tied. 

But today is great! And the point is the feelings I'm having today are that my loose ends are getting less. And my life is good, great in fact. 

Today I spoke to God for about twenty minutes thanked him for everything he has shared with me and for helping me walk away from a bad situation. For helping me be a better person. For showing me that I can't fix everyone's difficulties and its not my job. For seeing fit that I live out the rest of my days with a wonderful man. For allowing me to be healthy and have a nice home life. For my job and my daily bread ( I've been without). For my mother and my familys health and love. So I'm grateful for many things and I was reminded today.... Just by a feeling of renewal and pure love in my heart for others and from others <3

He's home :-)

Oh how the world goes round while my husband is home :-) we wait each week to be together again... And when gets home it's wonderful !

The pig is singing

Today feels like a good day. My pig is outside singing in tune to the spring coming on. Pansies,lillies and tulips dance in my head. Coffee and toast settle my morning tummy. A few smokes, my daily reading and hot shower will send me off to work. This year is exciting! A good feeling is swelling up inside me. I'm looking forward to our wedding party and road trip to Colorado this summer. Love is in the air.. Have a great day ;-)

Fingers crossed

Finally after being so frustrated yet holding it in, after a couple hours I was finally able to say "hey ... Listen, just a little heads up... If you don't start cleaning your room you won't get to compete in sports and you won't get your drivers license, which is actually a possibility in the near future. You have no idea how much easier things could be for you if you JUST cleaned your room! We've been on your ass for weeks! Your not getting the point! Your going to be pulled from competing!! ". 

So... She said she will keep a watch on her assignments due so there are no more missing papers, keep up with her dogs food and water, clean her room and bathroom starting tomorrow. I told her it's time to turn over a new leaf!!! ENOUGH! Then of course I said" your dad is gonna come home next week and see its not done AND YOUR DONE!! No more sports!! 

That's really the short version. It really was kinda a heart to step monster talk. But I think she got it. 

Hehe.... I think my talk with her actually worked ;-) fingers crossed

Give it to God today

I hope work goes good today. I'm feeling ... Unsettled I guess. I feel like its not going to be a good day and there's nothing I can do to make it better. Oh I'll get through and it will all turn out fine. But I'm alittle sad inside. I don't like the way I feel. My heart hurts alittle and I kinda want to not have to smile today because that's not how I feel. Maybe a shower will help but I doubt it.  It's in there and I don't see it coming out... Not today. It's one of those days I have to practice giving it over to God and trust He will see me through. And He will. 

Daydreaming healthy?

So back to the idea of writing about something else...

Feels like a lifetime ago I was on an airplane a couple of times a month. Back and forth to work in Oklahoma or snow in Colorado to France or Latin America. No I don't miss that lifestyle. I'm right where I really always wanted to be, happily married and stable in our home and in our lives together. 

Ya know all the experiences we each have in our lives bring is to where we are. At some point we land where we are suppose to. I have no regrets. I really don't. I mean.. If had one it would not be what one would think! It would be that I wasn't a better child and student and that I didn't get an education and have a thriving career. That's the only thing I feel missing. I know I would be really good at some things if I only had a degree and a job that required me to steadily improve my skills and or the quality of others lives. 

I find myself still dreaming up things I WANT to do and make a good living at it. The lady in town that has the little business of shipping out packages, faxes, making copies and such has the right idea. A small cafe with .25 coffee, affordable awesome burgers, free wifi and a little book store could be fun! All kinds of ideas I have... Then I think I'm too old to start an adventure like that and this town seems like a tough crowd to sell to. Writing a book would only be beneficial for me, I'm sure I'd never be on the #1 list. I used to want to run around the country and take photos of old laundry mats/ washaterias. Thought it would make a cool coffee table book or old delapitaded barns. I thought of a book of my travels and families I have loved along the way. I'm full of ideas just none of them transpire. 

So I daydream alot I guess. Is that healthy ? Toilets with a bullseye painted in the bowl or clear ones made into fish aquariums. Short cigarettes called quickies! Lubes and Boobs where you can get a cold beer and watch chicks change your oil. Oh ... It's really endless. 

Oh I'm satisfied with everything! Don't get me wrong. Happier than I ever thought I would be in this life. THIS is also something I used to daydream about!!! THIS :-)

☕ ☕ ☕ ☕ ☕ ☕ ☕

So I woke up and looked at the time.. 3:38. Tried to sleep more... 4:49. So knowing I wouldn't be getting anymore sleep I figured I'd get up before Traci left for school, use my new griddle and cook bacon. It was wonderful to see the pure surprise and happiness on her face and she was very appreciative.  

Now.... What to do? Coffee and cigs till my sleeping handsome awakes.  ☕

This too shall pass

The Super Bowl sucked! SUCKED I tell you. But... I will always be a Denver fan no way around it. I had many good years watching em' with great friends. 

My husband will be home in 20 minutes, yes I know almost exactly! It's like a big sigh of relief every time. That's how I know... Secure and safe with him once again. It's like my shoulders drop and I don't have to be strong while he's here. I can just be me. 

I'm not really built to be the "step monster"! A sweet little likable lovable step mother yes. So idk... I'm just doing the best I can on most days. Ill admit somedays it's too much, well not TOO much just too much for that day. When I have given all I can then that's enough. We're all just people even kids. You can lead a horse... Ya know? 

I keep in mind things will evolve. This too shall pass AND she's just a kid really who needs love and I'm gonna be sure to give it to her. 

Ok... Where's Joe? HE'S HERE!!

Sunday... SUNday....SUNDAY!

This Sunday morning feels ... different. I don't know gloomy I guess it's just the weather. I'm home alone well sort of one is working out of town one is at church and of course the youngest one is still in bed. I sure wish she would get up on her OWN and clean her room. But I've decided to wait till she gets up to let her know that's what she's doing today. If I get any resistance I will let her know maybe its better coming from her Dad. That's the only tool I feel I have although I really don't like doing that. It takes any power I may have away. Maybe I could try using..."these are your consequences and if you don't follow the rules your out of athletics all together". I don't know. I really don't think I'll get to much resistance. I just think that noon is late enough to sleep and her getting up and turning on tv is NOT going to work for me today. So we shall see. 

Other than that I just feel blah... Laundry is spinning been cleaning up. But that's not doing it for me. Thinking about starting a book Jan loaned me. Looks good. I miss my husband and the rest of my family too. 

Super Bowl will get me out of my blah... Come on Denver!!!

Venting only...

No one has ever said about me that

"I was unimportant and didnt matter".... That's painful. Very painful. Even though its coming from a teenager... It hurts. 

I asked her Grammy "is she ok? Is she real upset with me?" And that was the response I got.... 

And of course I got so upset I couldn't breathe. As I stomped around thinking about how ... I was pretty important when I spent my last four dollars to watch her play ball and many times to buy milk because it makes her smile. Pretty important when I get her to a meet  ass early in the morning and get a ticket on the way. Pretty important when I try to help her Dad see things through her eyes. And what about dinner and breakfasts on weekends? What about teaching her to drive? Seemed important to me or trying to make sure her dogs don't die of starvation because they are going to!! There's alot of running I do for her!!! Back and forth and she don't even know I really can't afford the gas for that. But I do it and make it work!! I've tried to support her in every way I can. And now I find out " I'm not important and don't matter" that sux.... and goodnight 

And I am venting... This is where I do this so let her be please. Someday maybe I will be important to her. 

A smile is the best makeup :~)

Just a few days ago I thought to myself...I need to start writing like I used to! Just honest feelings about life and well....My life story. I used to do that. I wrote about my travels, cool and interesting people I had met along the way, sights I had seen and how I felt at the time. My inner most thoughts I guess.

Since my new little family started with my hubby and step daughter I am filled with so much joy that I write about them all the time. Which I love! And as it is to be I am enclined to say that my step daughter is going through those terrible teenage years as a young girl. So the piont is JUST as I was about to change my writing style abit and move on to different things, I find that I will probably be writing more on the subject.

Teenage girls that have insecurities (for whatever reason) will typically start looking for someone to tell them they are pretty and be there cheerleader so to speak. When a young girl finds that guy that tells her he thinks she's cute, talks to her all the time, they laugh alot together and pretty soon they can't stand to be apart. It's "puppy love" basically. It's the attention she's getting from him that fullfills her need. That's really all she wants, but.... she thinks it much more! Oh boy do I remember those feelings.

I was that little girl too. I don't really know why for sure. I think some people are born with that insecurity. Sometimes it can get better as your older. But I would say you either are secure in your own skin or your not.

Some people don't look to anyone else for there boost of "I am good". It's in the genes I think. I really do. Because no matter how many times you tell someone they are pretty ...unless THEY "FEEL" it they won't believe you. And interestingly enough I think even a girl that is pretty and she knows when she looks in the mirror she is, if she doesn't FEEL PRETTY it doesnt matter what anyone outside tells her.

I just pray for our girl to feel better, cause all in all I think therein lies the problem.

Pretty inside

Gosh I'm just... So in love. Not just with my husband. Im in love with my life as a wife and stepmother.I know I've wrote about it before but everyday I'm more in love with my step daughter Traci.

Joe was home for the week from work and I swear every time he's home I love him more by the time he leaves. We had a great time watching Traci at the power lifting meet. She did really well and I could tell she felt good within herself, which makes me happy because I get the feeling that she has issues with self confidence. Some of that is her age and being a young girl trying to fit in. Some is that she's kind of lost without her mother.   I want to do everything in my power to show her she's just as good as every other teenage girl and that there is MUCH more to life than being pretty! I hate that society puts so much emphasis on appearance. Looking good is fine but feeling good is GREAT and way more important. 

So that's my focus right now.. Trying to make sure she feels good about herself and not JUST her looks :-) she's got that part whooped anyway!!